cruising through life

What A Day

2007-09-27T21:28:00.000+08:00

So many things happening today... some exciting, some sad, some ... well, let's just say that it matured me a bit.

***The Exciting Part***

One of the reasons I love my buddy Sheera so much is that I can stay not talking to her on the phone for the longest time, and then we can still pick up where we'd left off as if we last spoke yesterday. When was the last time I called her? Hmm.. how about if I tell you that she'd heard not about my miscarriage (and pregnancy). Yup, that long. The miscarriage wasn't something I wanted to broadcast, even if I do put it up in writing over the blog where people all over the world can read :P I really didn't want to talk to many of my friends after the incident, shutting people out of my life. I guess now that I'm ready to move on again, it is just a perfect time as any for a little reunion. Yay! Anyways, it was great to hear her voice again and I am so looking forward to this Monday get together... Woohooo!!!

***The Sad Part***

I got really sad as K Dlyn went for her last round of visit at my office. Of course we hugged and well-wishes were said, but darn it, I hate goodbyes. K Dlyn is going off to New Zealand a few days after Eid, and today was her last day in the office. It was not helping that K Sal was there with us, too, for she is also leaving soon for Australia. Gosh, I'm losing so many friends in such a short space of time! No tears yet, but I'm sure they'll be a bucketful when it really is time to go this coming 25th at the airport. Good Luck K Dlyn. See you in three years with a PhD okay? (Look who's talking, nyehehehe)

***The Part Where My Heart Grew Softer***

I made THE CALL today. Y'know, the one I've avoided for the past nine months. The call to my friend Annie. It was a bit late to wish her congratulations on the birth of her baby, but it is never too late to patch things up, I guess. I thought that since I'm already on a 'calling everybody' spree, I might as well call her now. And I really DO miss her.

Although it wasn't a smooth sailing conversation as it was with Sheera, it was not really that awkward. Apart from being a bit miffed and cringed when she mentioned about how tiring it is looking after a newborne (how I would SO trade place with her right now), and how mutilated her vajayjay felt like after the normal delivery (I'd take that, too. I don’t mean to brag, but my cervix has been forcefully stretched too during the D&C – TWICE, nonetheless! Don't get me wrong, I KNOW it is so NOT the same thing, but when push comes to shove (PUN so intended), a woman's gotta do what a woman's gotta do for her baby, right?), and continued by mentioning howI had NO idea how painful it was (painful, but true), everything was okay.

I amaze myself that I am actually okay at hearing that her labor experience, and that she's doing fine, her baby's fine, etc., etc. Of course I never really wished that things would go wrong for her. That's just plain sick, even for my twisted post-miscarriage mind’s standards.

Anyway, at one point our conversation steered to her baby’s name.

“I named her Tasnim,” she quipped.

“That’s a nice name,” I replied, trying to sound nonchalant. I have acted nonchalant throughout the conversation already. I really did think it was a good name. Tasnim is a name of one of the spring water in Heaven.

“I named it in your honor,” she blurted out.

“Whaaa..?”

“Remember that one time, out of the blue, you told me that you liked two names; Tasnim and Ruwaida? And you said that if you ever have a baby girl, you'll name her one out of the two?”

And she went on, “So those two names were forever at the top of my baby names list throughout the pregnancy. In the end, me and Hadi chose Tasnim.”

Then I remembered. The conversation took place years ago, when we were both still in Uni. I must’ve been in one of my guessing games mode, where I go around asking friends questions, like, ‘If you could/were ___(fill in the blanks)____, what would you do?’ In fact, I still play that game, much to the annoyance of my office mate, ET. I must’ve asked Annie something like, ‘If you have a daughter, what would you name her?’ and afterwards, told her my choice of name.

I was stunned. Some people might hate that the names they've picked for their baby is ‘stolen’ by a friend who gave birth first, but weird enough, I felt a bit, well… chuffed and honored, I guess.

Maybe she really liked that name. Maybe she named it in my honor. Who cares which one is right. Either way, it still is very touching that she even cherished the measly conversations I had with her, though I must admit I would like to believe she named her baby for the latter reason. My heart felt so BIG that I thought it might exploded.

But then my heart did a whooosh sound and inflated in an instant. I felt so small when I remembered this....

For the whole nine months, I was constantly blocking the continuous gesture of friendship she offered, avoiding her, escaping her, pushing her out of my mind, pretending I was busy, and here she was, naming her baby in honor of moi?

Even I had to wince at myself. Ouch. What a scum I was.

I confided in another friend about this, and she gave the most perfect answer.

‘Riz, don’t beat yourself up. You might have been horrible to her for the last few months, but those were during such trial moments. And if she still names her baby in your honor after all this, well… that just shows that you must’ve been a great friend to her at some point of her life. And it’s not too late to still be that great friend once more.’

You know what? She’s right.

I SO don't deserve friends like these. But starting today, I'll cherish the ones I still have by my side, for my heart has now grown softer.

What a day....

Happy 31st, Hubs!

2007-09-26T21:04:00.000+08:00

Last Saturday was Hubs 31st Birthday. We had a small celebration for him at his mom's in Muar. The birthday boy even requested Dear Mommy to cook Lodeh for him. Yummmm...

Look how full the dining table is, all just for this special occasion...

Looks like someone had a hard time deciding at Secret Recipe and just couldn't decide between the Marble Cheesecake, Blueberry Cheesecake, Tiramisu Cheesecake, American Boston Cheesecake and God-know-what-else-cheesecake, hence the mumbo-jumbo birthday cheese cake.

No brownie point for guessing what a 'hantu' cheesecake Hubs is

Abang,

Happy Birthday.

Love you till infinity,

Riz Darling :D

Have A Nice and Safety Friday, y'All

2007-09-21T08:22:00.000+08:00

It was a typical morning. After dropping my husband at his office, I took the car drove and down the Silicon Valley Road (Lebuh Silikon?) to my office. As I head-banged to Sheila On 7 on my CD player, an ambulance from the Student's Health Centre overtook me. I was a bit puzzled, because the nearest hospital was located the opposite way, but I figured the ambulance was probably on its way to get some sick students at 10th ot 11th College, and then head back to the hospital (which was the other way). My scandalous mind began thinking, 'Could some students be giving birth?'.

Shame on me, coz it wasn't anything like that at all.

Up ahead, there was an accident near the Faculty of Modern Languages and Communication. The accident seemed to have just taken place, for the ambulance only got there a few seconds before I did. But they were efficient and quickly got the stretchers out. I don't know how bad the accident is, but there was also a team of Firefighters on the scene, as well as Safety Officers manning the traffic.

I spotted one red Smart car (the car which claimed itself to be the no. 1 car for the environment with 1-door). Do any of you know of anyone driving this kind of car? I've seen this car so around the campus a few times, but I know there aren't many who owns one. I suspected there must be another vehicle involved, I'm just not sure whether it's another car, or maybe a motorcycle.

I had wanted to stop my car and snap pics of the wreck so bad, but I kept going. If I'd learnt anything at all during my undergrad days with the Red Crescent, it's to keep on moving when expert help is already here. Bystanders will only make the scene more crowded, interfering with the flow of traffic and in many cases, delay the rescue work.

I glanced at the clock, 8.08 am. For anyone else, it's another Friday at work. For those involved in that accident, it must have been something else. Isn't weird how such an ordinary day, a day when you get out of bed, shower, dressed, fire up the car and then.... something like this happens?

Na'uzubillahi min zalik.

Have a nice (and safe) Friday, y'all.

Prof F's Visit

2007-09-20T09:00:00.000+08:00

Our department had the pleasure of discussing the curriculum with our external curriculum assessor, Prof. F Crestani from the 4 -7 September 2007. For the lack of anything to write (the week went really smoothly, and Prof F was a really great company, but it's Department's secret, sorry, but it's confidential, hehe), here I'll put up some pics of the week.

In one of the meetings...me looks confused

In one of the seminars...

Dinner...

Uii.. Gamelan show... can't miss this one out

Riding the 'Eye On Malaysia' with the four of us; Me, K Dlyn, Prof and Azri. Wheeee!!!
(p/s: how shiny my face is here.. ark!)

After one too many rounds on the EOM.. me got dizzy, hence the face

It was a pleasure to have you here with us, Prof F.

Thank You.

My patience and persistence has finally paid off ...

2007-09-15T14:56:00.001+08:00

No, I'm not talking about fasting during Ramdhan.

And no, not about the miscarriage either.

It's Zuma. Stage 13, all completed. Yee-haw!

p/s: I know some people who played this (or has stopped playing for awhile now) have managed to finish it waaaay before me, but this is an achievement worth celebrating for me, for I don't play computer games that much, and certainly a lot less time making it up to the very end.

Syabas, Riz!

Ramadhan is here...

2007-09-13T15:49:00.000+08:00

SELAMAT MENYAMBUT RAMADHAN AL-MUBARAK!

Beginnings and Endings

2007-09-11T10:38:00.000+08:00

Why is it that a child makes life worthwhile?
Why is hope with each new birth new born?
What deep remembrance, shadowed in a smile,
Brings back the dream whose measured loss we mourn?

My mom had bugged me since last week about visiting our neighbour's daughter, Norah, on the birth of her baby. After stalling for what seemed like an eternity, I could no longer dodged it. It was fight or flight time.

So I once again behaved like a good girl should and did what was expected.

Believe me, it was hard. It took every ounce of strength in the mind and body not to break down in front of everyone. It felt like every single nerve and muscle in my body (especially the face) was working really hard to work up a smile.

But it was so worth all the effort. After awhile, I really was similing in all earnesty.

I mean, who can hate babies right? Especially when they smiled at you at first sight and farted like there's no tomorrow when you picked them up. Too darn cute.

Anyway, here's an update for those who have been following my blog: --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Norah and Annie had both given birth on the 1st and 5th September to a baby boy and baby girl respectively. The pregnancies of these two women were especially difficult for me to hear about, mostly because of them coinciding with my miscarriage and all. It was nothing personal. Just me and my messed up head. Silly, the way I behaved, I know. But now with the safe deliveries, I can finally say that the invisible timeline and wall that me and my f*cked up mind had created between these two girls is now really gone.

Welcome to this world, Muhammad Nazhan and Nur Tasneem.
Aunt Riz welcomes you with arms wide open. Hugs and Kisses always...

***********************************************************

Dear God,

Give me the strength to go on each day
Give me the strength to find my own way

Give me the strength to be a little better
Give me the strength to pull myself together

Give me the strength to release all my pain
Give me the strength to let my pride regain

Give me the strength to go on in life and for my broken heart to mend
Give me the strength to bring all of this sorrow to an end

Give me the strength to become me
Give me the strength to truly see

Give me the strength to be like no one else
Give me the strength to be nobody but myself

Amin.

Makan Sakan - Kopitiam

2007-09-06T09:43:00.001+08:00

Last Wednesday, the four of us went on a another Makan Sakan session. This time it was at Kopitiam. The food was good, I had Sizzling Chicken or something like that. I loved the cozy interior the most, very relaxing.

The week before it was Makan Sakan at this Ikan Bakar place. Sorry, no pics. Seems like Wednesday is our official Makan Sakan day. Hopefully it'll stay that way coz that keeps us close even when some of us are already on their PhD study leave. However, yesterday (Wednesday) wasn't much of a Makan Sakan, coz we were missing one member. I'm looking forward to what's in store for next Wednesday, perhaps the last Makan Sakan before Ramadhan is here.

PMS247

2007-09-05T19:55:00.001+08:00

So the evil spell where everything was going all wrong is over now. Thank God. It turns out the reason I was having such a crappy time was because of ...

I know, too much information, right?

But yes, it was that time of the month again. PMS. Where angels turn to devilish monsters and emotions all mixed up together in one huge martini shaker resulting in one unpredictable concoction. Lethal? Most definitely. Nauseating? To others who have to witness me on PMS, probably. (sorry guys!)

It drove me nuts handling my own roller coaster of emotions, I pity those who were around me and had to bear every single whine, cry, anxiety attack, out-of-proportion anger, sulk and pout. Once a month, I turn into a complete basketcase.

Annoyingly, PMS is also responsible for the presence of this humongusly hideous pimple that just refuses to go away for over a week now. It seems to have discovered that my right cheek is as good place to call home as can be, and has seem to opt for permanent residency right there. Grrr... for the love of God, I'm 26 now. Leave the adults alone. Go bug some other teenagers like a good pimple should !!!

I'm putting the pic of the shameless pimple right here in my blog so that it can have its 15-minutes of fame. Now shooo!

Merdeka Celebration!

2007-09-03T17:56:00.000+08:00

What a long hiatus. Where shall I start?

Let's see, Malam Merdeka would be a good start. Okay, before I got married, I was pretty much an indoor girl (I still AM). Never really got to go places except with parental supervision /chaffeur/school field trip, you get it. Since Daddy wasn't much of a fan of spontaneous day outs, needless to say the whole lot of us in the family never ever went on celebrations like Merdeka Countdown, New Year's Eve Countdown, Jom Heboh and what not. So I'd always fantasized about what it would be like to get married and have a husband to go crazy with to all these events. No more parents, no more schools, no one cares, no more rules!

Alas, it is true what they say about girls usually end up marrying someone who possess a lot of the qualities their father had. Yup, my man wasn't the crazy-let's-go-to-KL-on-Merdeka-Night kinda guy that I'd once dreamed of. Hence explaining why we were in Putrajaya on Merdeka Night. Okay, okay, to his defence, I wasn't really feeling like it either. Anyway, my advice is this: if you're really looking for some kind of decent merdeka celebration, forget Putrajaya.

What a bore it was. I knew it wouldn't be as crazy as the celebration in KL, but not this boring. The fireworks were so-so, in my opinion. Since we got there at 8.30 p.m., we got quite bored. One plus point for Putrajaya is for the fact that it was very family-friendly, which could only suggest one thing: Cool, hip teenage kids (so unlike us) were all in KL! Maybe we just have to accept the fact that we ARE old.

To make things worst, the batteries on our digital camera was running so low, and so there was only one pic that could be snapped before it totally died on us. As a result, I had a good fifteen minutes time-out, I'm-not-speaking-to-you moment with my husband as he was the last person handling the camera. (It turned out it was my SIL who forget to recharge them batteries). Anyway, this was the one and only pic.

So that was how I spent Merdeka Night. I know some of my friends had more 'fun' than I did, but well... I woudl be too if I were them. Heh.

Chalo.

Another I-Hate-Life Post, and errr.. Happy Merdeka (An afterthought quickly added in!)

2007-08-30T09:12:00.000+08:00

I missed blogging, I really do... but things haven't been too pretty and rosy this past week. Since I've vowed not to write anything too negative here, I've literally kept everything bundled up inside of me. It was everything; work, friends, not-so-immediate family matters, miscarriage haunts re-visited for 999th time, etc. Things that went on was just butt ugly.

After my crazy PMS-induced hormones have surpassed me (I think), I feel slightly better this morning. Just in time for me to wish,

'Jangan Mengalah Sebelum Berjuang. Merdeka!'

Happy Merdeka to All.

Tag: Riz's 8 Random Facts

2007-08-22T08:48:00.000+08:00

Tagged by EON

1) Each player must post these rules first.
2) Each player starts with eight random facts/habits about themselves.
3) People who are tagged need to write on their own blog about their eight things and post these rules.
4) At the end of your blog, you need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names.
5) Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’re tagged, and to read your blog.

Riz's 8 random facts

Married, no children, 1 Angel in heaven
Just finished my MSc
Happiest when surrounded by families and friends
Born in Kelantan, but spent childhood in the USA (5 years) and early adolescent years in the UK (3 1/2 years)
Attended an Arabic school (a Maahad, nontheless) for two years before leaving for the UK
Loves traditional Malay music and have a REAL old soul when it comes to music (and fashion, hehe)
Can get easily upset or angry or both (at times), but a quick forgiver, although a real slow healer
Current fav reality show on tele (I have two): ANTM and Beauty and the Geek

I tag:
1. ET
2. Pyan
3. Sake
4. Aman
5. Lia

Sorry,I'm breaking the rules. I only have five friends that I could think of :P

I've found something interesting from EON's blog. I hope he doesn't mind me borrowing this off him.

Personality

ESFJs are social butterflies that value relationships, supporting and nurturing others. Never one to shy away from social events, they are often the host. They are great encouragers of teamwork. ESFJs are responsible, dutiful, observe traditions and follow rules. ESFJs have a deep concern for others and often end up as caretakers. They are sensitive to criticism and have a need to be appreciated for the good they do for others. ESFJs are understanding, generous, have a quick wit and a knack for composition and beautification.

Multiple Intelligence
People with Linguistic intelligence love and are talented with words. They enjoy reading, writing and learning languages. They have an ability to teach and explain things to others. They learn best by reading, taking notes and going to lectures.

Common Characteristics

Notices grammatical mistakes
Often speaks of what they have read
Likes to use "fancy" words
Loves word games
Cherishes their book collection
Easily remembers quotes and famous sayings
Likes puns and rhymes
Enjoys writing
Enjoys foreign language
Always enjoyed English class

Career Matches

Writer (any type)
Editor
Public Speaker
Politician
Preacher
Teacher
Journalist
Broadcaster
English / Writing Tutor
Actor / Actress

Wallahu A'lam.

My Monday

2007-08-21T10:28:00.001+08:00

Yesterday was just another typical Monday. But it was special in two ways:

1) I have finally managed to make up for all the days I did not fast last Ramadhan, hehe (all THIRTEEN days, yeah I got it twice that Ramadhan, for those of you who are beginning to judge me - I can hear you thinking!)

2) I have finally I submitted my correction thesis post-viva. Yippee!!!

I am so excited that it's done and over with. But I feel a bit depressed as of today, I'm back to Square 1 on my quest to yet again try and solve the problems out there with my PhD. I've spent this morning with reading and searching for ideas, yet nothing feels right or comprehendable. I struggled to even keep my eye lids open whilst reading this journal. Talk about boring.

Where exactly do ideas for PhD come from? Lord help me!

Golden Heart

2007-08-16T11:25:00.000+08:00

In 1969, psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross introduced what became known as the “five stages of grief.” While these stages represented the feelings of people who were themselves facing death, they also have come to be applied by many to people who are experiencing other negative life changes (a break-up, loss of a job) and to people facing or experiencing the death of loved ones. Kübler-Ross proposed these stages of grief:

Denial: “This can’t be happening to me.”
Anger: “Why is this happening? Who is to blame?”
Bargaining: “Make this not happen, and in return I will ____.”
Depression: “I’m too sad to do anything.”
Acceptance: “I’m at peace with what is going to happen/has happened.”

I was ten weeks pregnant when I was told I was going to miscarry. I went straight into denial. However, my denial period didn't last long because I was scheduled for a D&C the very next morning. But suffice to say that on the day I found out I was bleeding brown blood, I had three consecutive ultrasounds at different clinics just to be very sure that the heartbeat was not there. Even then, the specialist (yes I went to a O&G specialist) offered if I'd wanted her to perform a transvaginal ultrasound on me just to be sure. I'd declined, because I feared that sticking something into my vajayjay was going to harm my baby (who was dead, by this point anyway, but that's what denial can do to you). All throughout the night I was crying myself out, thinking, could the Doctors be wrong? Do I just have so much fat around my tummy that the Docs couldn't detect the heartbeat? At 9 a.m. next morning, as I was being anaesethized for my D&C, my denial period ended.

Anger set in once I was feeling better and could move about. When a woman experiences a miscarriage, she gets angry. I got angry with myself, thinking about things I could have done better to protect my baby. I got angry with nobody in particular, because nobody seemed to understand me on the same level. I got angry at other pregnant women, who walked around me flaunting their bellies. I got angry at my husband, who seemed so calmed and accepting, why was he taking this so lightly? (Little did I know he was putting on a brave face just for me). Most of all, I am so ashamed to admit this now, but I was angry at God. Why did he do this to me? At one point, after watching the news about a newborn being dumped in the dumpster and left to die, I cried really loud and pointed to the sky, questioning why had God let that silly someone have the baby, only to later abandon it, when at the same time He took away a baby that would've been looked after and loved to the brim?

As a Muslim I shouldn't have said and thought this way, but I was hysterical. Not one of my best moments in life, and I've repented. Hopefully the Most Merciful Lord forgives me. I've learned to accept that everything happens for a reason, even if we never would be able to decipher the reason.

Another stage of grief is plea-bargaining. Everyone has done it at some point. Asking for one thing and promising another in return. While this may not occur after a miscarriage, women who have been in the same position I was are likely to experience this. She will beg for the life of her baby in exchange for something else. I never entered this stage because the time spent from finding out my baby is dead and extracting it out was less than 24 hours.

The stage of grief that most people are familiar with is the stage known as depression. This is when the reality of the situation truly sinks in. Every woman will experience this after a miscarriage. She will think of the child that "could have been." For me, this was the longest and hardest period of all, sometimes intertwined with anger. There were so many suicidal thoughts going through my head, at times, it seemed that I would be better off just to join my baby than be living without him here. If you're a long time reader of this blog, you definitely know what I mean.

Finally, there is acceptance. We cannot grieve forever. Life must continue. This will happen eventually. It is different for every woman and depends a lot on how far along she was when the miscarriage took place. In my case, after July 28th, I became a stronger person. I no longer compare what my baby could've been, what stage of pregnancy I was at, etc, etc. I don't frequent the miscarriage forums so much anymore. It's as if a huge rock has been lifted off my shoulders. I thank God for giving me peace and acceptance.

This is where the anklet comes in. Having watched one too many series of Miami Ink, I understood that having something to hold on to (e.g. tattoo, bracelets, etc) after a sad tragedy can actually help us move on. And it did. Some women who've experienced miscarriage or stillborn get themselves tattoos of babies, angels, flowers, hearts, etc. Some get themselves a necklace with a heart pendant, so that the baby stays close to the mother's heart. I chose an anklet with a heart pendant on it, because the heart symbolizes love. But I need to move on with my life. I need to get up, stand on my two feet, and start walking again after a disastrous fall. I’ve sat and cried in the puddle helplessly after my fall for long enough. This is why I wear it on my ankle – to stand up and move on again.

Alhamdulillah, with Allah's help, I've finally reached this stage. I took longer than some women to get here, but I got here in the end. I might turn around sometimes, to glimpse back at life, but I have to keep reminding myself that forward is the way to go. Life's not always filled with all that is nice and glory, but at least I'm lucky to still be alive.

How I Spent My Sunday Last Week

2007-08-15T20:21:00.001+08:00

Hi all, I've been trying to load pics of how I spent my Sunday last week, but for some reasons it didn't want to be uploaded until tonight. So here's a summary of it all coz I'm not really in the mood to write how the day went in detail.

Around noon, we went out to Metro Kajang to shop. I wanted to get something special for dear Daddy's birthday. After awhile, we decided that we'd get him this. Not exactly expensive, but it came from the heart.

Afterwards, we strolled a bit and my husband fell in love with this pen here. So I bought him as a present to celebrate his promotion that he had managed to secure a week ago. Again, it's nothing fancy, but it totally made his day, which in return, made my day too.

Let's have a peek at how the man who just recently got promoted is doing... Babe, I'm so proud of you!

Afterwards, I got a pair of high-heeled shoes (I've been wearing flats for awhile now and it's like I'm suddenly under some kind of crazy spell that makes me go goo goo ga ga over heels). So this is what I got. I also bought my self one other item, but I don't think I'll post it here. It's black and lacey, you do the maths :P

Notice the anklet that I'm wearing in the pic above? Yeah, I bought that one on the same day too. I'm not the type who has a lot of spare money and I don't normally buy jewelleries for myself (in fact never, coz all that I own is either given by my husband as our marriage dowry, or given away by my mom), but this is an exception. I think I'll write another separate post to explain why this purchase was made. It really is significant to me.

Then we went to watch 'Rush Hour 3'. That was an impromptu decision, made 5 minutes after the showing time had begun (but luckily not yet because of all the ads) but so worthwhile. If you guys just needed to relax and chill and not go nuts figuring out the plot and scheme of things in the movie, this is definitely one who watch. Hey, I liked it. Jackie Chan and Chris Tucker are definitely a great combo.

At 6 p.m., we got to our parents'. Daddy ordered pizza (4 of it, actually, 2 Large, 2 Regular) coz everyone (My Mom, Dad, Abe, Adeq, Me, Hubs and my cousin) was there. Just as well. So that was how we celebrated Daddy's 51st birthday. Happy Birthday, Ayah!!

I Feel Good

2007-08-15T20:12:00.000+08:00

I just came back from a really groovy session of ping pong training {snort}. Okay, not so much training, but few were playing today so I got myself a one-on-one session with this ping pong Guru who gave me soem pointers on improving my forehand. Who would've guessed ping pong is played in a similar manner as tennis but in a smaller court and with less energy (when hitting the ball?)? Hence the name table tennis. Duh, Riz.

Okay, need to shower now. I stink.

As for the event yesterday, thanks for the support. You guys are the best la. But let's put it behind us for now, forgive what needs forgiving and move on with all of our lives.

But I leave you guys with this. In case you need to use it one day ;p

Note to Myself: Avoid (This Guy) At All Cost

2007-08-14T09:13:00.001+08:00

Argghh...

I just came back from breakfast with this guy. I so regret sitting next to him. I know he has always been snickered at for being a socially anorexic, no thanks to his inappropriate comments and unsolicited advice, but I thought everyone deserves a second chance. And so I sat.

At first the conversation was going okay, about work, people in general. After a few minutes, the canteen lady brought my sandwich over.

Then it started.

First, he remarked that I had gained weight. Like a LOT. He proceeded into telling me that I used to be slim and skinny (like I didn't know that myself). He went on to say that his WIFE was only huge when she was pregnant, and a few months after she'd lost all the weight (and this guy knew about my miscarriage).

Anyway, what bugged me was that he then proudly told me that he bought a stationary cycling bike for his wife and he made her exercize 45 minutes before she sleeps at night, every night! And this wife of his has to tend their baby and get up to work early every morning too! Outrageous. I feel sorry for his wife.

Did he stop there? No.

Then he recommended some traditional Chinese tea to aid my weight lost, which he had 'tried' on his wife already, of course. I don't know why, but it irks me to death to hear that the wife is being made to lose weight, even more so than hearing him say that I am fat to my own face. It's a woman thing.

He started picking on me for not eating my vege. 'How can you lose weight if you don't eat your vegetables?' he said, suddenly sounding like an annoying old fart. Gimme a break, it was just a damn cucumber slice in my tuna sandwich, okay?

Anyway, he went overboard (again) by saying that women should always look presentable and 'nice to the eyes of their husbands'. I responded into saying, 'What makes you think my husband isn't into chubby girls?' To which he replied, matter-of-factly, 'All guys love slim woman, even when he says you look nice with a little meat, he's really just being nice to you. You wouldn't want your husband to one day bring home another friend for you? (i.e. a second wife)'. Oh. My. God!!!!!!!

Apparently, he knows not what plus-size girls have in advantage. His lost, not mine (or my husband, rather).

At this point, I had lost all off my appetite, so I left my half-eaten sandwich and half glass Milo on the bench and got up. He started preaching, 'The half-eaten food is crying , y'know?'

SHUT UP!

Wow. Did I really shouted those words to his face. Er... yeah. I did. And worst, IT FELT SO DARN GOOD...

I'm so evil. Heh.

What a Busy Friday

2007-08-11T10:14:00.000+08:00

Friday was a busy day. Around 10.30 a.m., I was part of a closed discussion session that took around an hour to finish. Then at 12 noon, there was a farewell party held for our department's secretary, K Sue, who will start her new career life at Putrajaya next week. It was quite a sad party, farewells and good-byes are never easy. Good Luck, K Sue!

Then at 1.30 p.m., there was this facial product demo that I had been dragged into attending. I didn't want to attend, honest, but since the turnout was on the low side, girls were chosen at random to 'fill in the gaps'. Blurgh... why me? think my working time is so expendable ahhh?!

Anyway, the demo went on and on that I had excuse my good self and performed my Zuhur prayer at 2.30 p.m. By 3 p.m., I was already in the front row seat in the Seminar Room for the motivational pep talk on, 'High Performers Team'. The presenters were a bit whacky, and the entire time, everyone, including the Big Guns were clapping and laughing and cheering. Wow! I had an embarrassing moment where I shouted tree a little too loud when the correct answer that everyone gave was mountain... (long story). Other than that, the talk was great, for the first haf at least. The second half left people feeling a little uneasy and fidgeting to walk out of the room. Again, long story, but it involved something to do with Unit Trust (roll eyes).

By then, it was already 5 p.m. Around 6.45, it was pingpong time (we had to wait real LOOONNNGGGG because some people from a different faculty was here playing on our ground). Yeah, call me a pingpong table hogger or whatever, but if you had seen them playing from 5.30 - 8.oo without stopping / letting NATIVE people from the faculty where the pingpong table was located, you would hate them too. Okay, hate is a strong word, but something on the same level la kot. Luckily there were two tables, but it was a hassle anyway.

I've got some pics to share, but the pics won't upload. Grrr...

Have a nice weekend everyone (or what's left of it!)

Hello.. May I Speak to the Parent of ...?

2007-08-09T10:10:00.001+08:00

This morning I tackled the work that I have been putting off for a while now. I called the 'problematis students’ parents to inform them of the stinky results these students got this past semester. I was not looking forward to it at all.

I feel sorry for the parents. It was obvious from every phone conversation (before I broke the news) that these kids have been their parent’s pride and joy. The parents expressed a lot of love for their children and they really do care about their children’s education. Sadly, most of the time it appears that these students have somewhat taken their parents in for a spin, dodging them, lying to them about their results. The parents got a shock of their lives to hear my news, heck I’m even surprised most of the time because these students aced it during their SPM.

Most of the time I get an elderly parent on the line, who knew nothing about the grading system and a whole lot less about their son’s (yes, all my problematic students are male, for some reasons) performance. I try to talk nicely and let the news out gently, and stress that WE are in this together, and we’re trying to make amends to help him improve in class. So far, parents are very co-operative and understanding. Thank God I haven’t had to deal with parents with severe heart condition. Yet.

Arrgggghhh!!!!! I so hate being the bearer of bad news……..

Guys (exasperatedly addressing my ‘problematic’ students),

Just please play a little less and class and study smarter? It’s just so much more easier on everybody that way.

Thank You.

Ms Riz

My Neighbour's Cats

2007-08-08T08:58:00.000+08:00

I've never really liked cats before, and never had a pet cat because my mom never did let me have one (against Dr's advice - my brothers both has asthma). But there's this new couple who moved in the apartment downstairs about two months ago and they have with them the cutest cats! Every morning the cats would just lounge in front of our parking space (which is adjacent to their owner's apartment) and they would look at us going in and out of the car, starting up the engine and organizing our stuff before peeling off to work. The cats are not afraid of us, and looked really friendly I really felt like squeezing and squishing them there and then!!!

But I won't, of course.

The cats are really lucky to be in really good hands. They look clean, healthy, well-fed and have their own nice little castle (fancy cage of some sort). And they have a collar with a cute ringing bell on each of them. They look something like this:

When I was little, I'd visualized the perfect cat that I wanted when I'd be old enough to have one. It looked a lot like those cats of my neighbour, but mine would be of domestic short hair breed instead . I preferred one with orange fur, and would put on an almost similar bell on their collar. I even had a name picked for it, Tinkerbell.

Cute as cats are, I would still scream when they come too close and wrap themselves around my legs at the hawker stall / restaurant. I had been scratched / clawed by cats in the past and it hurt. So in my book, cats are cute, but I would look, but not touch :P

I guess I need to overcome those fears first before I get that dream cat, huh?

1000th Loads

2007-08-06T13:35:00.000+08:00

After catching up with tonnes of overdue posts, I would like to add just one more post, coz today is a little well... special, at least to me.

Ahem. ((Clearing throat)).

In the span of three months (since StatCounter had been added in May 2007), it can be seen that this site has had 1000 page loads spot on. Not much, but enough to make my day :D

I don't know if I have (regular) readers, but if you are one of them, thanks for dropping by. Drop me a comment so that I can know who you are. But if you prefer to be a silent reader, you can be just that, I appreciate your visit no matter what ;)

Selamat Pengantin Baru Sabrina

2007-08-06T12:29:00.000+08:00

My husband's cousin, Sabrina, got married on Sunday at her father's house in Hulu Langat, Selangor.

Congratulations, Sabrina!

Jalan-jalan, Makan-Makan (Walk-Walk, Eat-Eat)

2007-08-05T11:55:00.000+08:00

Okay, this is another 'makan-makan' entry. Hubs and I tried out this new joint in Section 9, Bandar Baru Bangi. It's called 'Soup and Hot Buns'. With its cheesy restaurant name written in neon pink and purple colour, we just had to try it out.

My oh my, weren't we glad we did. This place serves both Western-styled soups (creamy) and the Malay-styled soups (clear broth) as well. This was perfect because my taste was always leaning towards western and Hubs prefered the more ethnic Malaysian one.

So Hubs ordered a set of Malay meal which consisted of a single helping of white rice, sup daging (Beef soup), telur dadar (omelette-like fried egg), sambal kicap (bird chili in soy sauce), sambal belacan (shrimp paste and chili) and ulam (salad), for only RM7.90!

Meanwhile, I had my Mushroom Soup and Homemade Bread (5 slices) for RM6.90. Now, that may sound expensive, but their bread slices were humongus! If I had known, I would've taken the smaller set for less with only three pieces of bread.

We were too hungry that night, so we added two more side dishes, Ayam Goreng Rempah (Spicy Fried Chicken) and Daging Bakar (Roasted Beef). Total cost with drinks and all for two person? RM 24. Not bad, huh?

Let me remind you that I am no way related to the shop owner, nor have I been paid to write this post. I just find this nice place that serves delicous food, and I'm letting you guys out there know about it.

Will I eat there again? Certainly.

Will I take you guys too the next time I go? Sure.

Will I pay for your meals? Probably not, but you could try your luck. I might do on a good day ;)

Makan Sakan - Shokudo

2007-08-05T11:11:00.000+08:00

This time, the usual Makan Sakan team went up to Kajang Metro to enjoy Japanese and Thai Fusion food at Shokudo. The new mall itself was nice, albeit a little weirdly-shaped, if I may say so. The fact that it was smacked dead in the centre of Kajang was also a downer, coz the traffic is always so bad, but we braved it all just to try the place.

The restaurant was nicely decorated, and I loved their booths. It was a little on the smaller side, I thought, but we were here to taste the food, so let it come...

Again, I was the least adventurous, and I ordered soemthing like Sizzling Black Pepper Chicken. Don't know whether that's Thai or Japanese, but it tasted good. I give it a three-and a half star out of five max :) It had sticky fried rice, chicken in black pepper sauce, fried vegetables, fried eggs, and corn on cob. ET had something similar, but it was Sizzling Beef or something. Mas had Buttered Chicken whilst Yzma had chicken something too. Here are the pics (again, ignore the dates, I keep forgetting to set them, dang!)

Academic Seminars

2007-08-04T11:35:00.000+08:00

I never bothered putting pics of academic seminars on here, but just because I can, I'm gonna... nyeheheheh... there's always a first time for everything, right?

Actually, I just wanted to show you guys that I really did attend that Academic Writing workshop on Saturday, when everyone else out there is enjoying themselves at home, I was here, in this very hall, listening attentively, like a good student should ....... @_@

This pic is from another seminar on Trusted Computing. Not too sure if I'm totally in on this. Anyhow, I guess open source is the way forward to actually be safe in the future :P

Ejan's Wedding

2007-08-04T10:51:00.000+08:00

Sorry, this post is LONG overdue, but I'm gonna put this in anyhow... tribute to Ejan

Ejan married Li, her long time boyfriend on July, 29. I'd gotten her invitation, but I didn't have a clue where Ejan's house was, and I was without transport in the first half of the day, so I'd decided that I probably wouldn't make it. Luckily, I got hold of my brother who had lived in Shah Alam for a few years whilst he was at Uni and talked him into going with me. Sake was also ready to go by this time, and he was driving from Klang so we decided to meet up somewhere near Shah Alam. We got there so late around 4 p.m., heheheh.... by then, the bride and groom had already changed into normal clothings, oh no!

Anyway, Selamat Pengantin Baru Ejan and Li!

My Angel's EDD

2007-08-03T17:39:00.000+08:00

I haven't blogged for awhile now. Not because I was too busy, but because I didn't think I could write without bawling. But I've decided that I have to document how things went on my Angel's EDD, no matter how hard the day was for me.

Saturday, July 28, 2007.
It was the day I had been dreading/fearing for the past six months. I had promised myself that I would be strong and mature for this day. I woke up feeling quite good. Hubs and I talked, and he told me he had a meeting at 9 a.m. I was okay with this. I had my own plans. I was going to do some cleaning, then laundry, then I'd be out with Yzma and Mas to do our grocery shopping and lunch at my fav Nasi Ayam stall at Tesco Kajang. In the afternoon, Yzma was going to bake some cupcakes and I was invited over. Yeah, I could deal with this day quite okay, I had PLANS.

Then the phone brought me some not so good news. There was a change in plans. Yzma's class last night had been moved to this morning. That's okay, I thought. I'll go over there in the afternoon, no big deal.

Then the phone rang. It was my mom. Things got from not so good to worse.Here's a snippet of our conversation.

Mom: Abang Zameer* and wife invited you over to their son's Aqiqah. The baby was borne sometime last week. Are you coming? It's at 10.

Me: I don't think I'm ready.

Mom: What do you mean you're not ready. You have another two hours to get ready.

Me: I mean, I'm not ready mentally.

.
.
.
.

(Mom changing the subject)

Mom: Anyway, Abang Aderr* came over last night. He told us that his wife was in labour and seeing that it was going to take awhile, he should know after four kids already, he left the hospital and came here instead. Can you believe it? blah blah blah blah.......

*Abang Zameer and Abang Aderr are my cousins. The one whose wives were pregnant around the same time I was. I wrote about that here.

That really got me. As hubs walked out of the shower, he saw me sobbing and asked, 'Who gave birth?' Any other man would probably have asked, 'Who died?' but I guess he knows me too well. My husband rocks.

Anyway, he saw that I was unfit to be left alone, with me crying non-stop, shaking and all, he took me to his office. By the time we got there, I was feeling better, so I excused myself, telling him that I'd be at my mom's.

Well, at some point my motherly instinct kicked in and I swiftly made a detour and visited my angel's burial site, which I have been avoiding eversince the miscarriage. I noticed that in six months time, the tree had gotten so big, I almost didn't recognized whic tree it was.

Needless to say, I wept again. I didn't know if reciting Al-Fatihah was what I was supposed to do, because technically, my Angel wasn't even a person with a soul (Ruh). But since it was the only thing I could do that was appropriate, that was what i did in the end.

Then I went to my mom's and cried some more until I fell asleep around 10 a.m. I didn't even notice when they'd left for Abang Zameer's Aqiqah. I woke up around 2 p.m., and everyone was back already. Sleep is probably the best remedy, at leas temporarily.

So that was how I spent my Angel's EDD. In tears. The exact opposite of what I'd wanted, but the exactly the way I had feared I might. Now you know why I stalled writing this.

My Angel was laid to rest in the grounds underneath this tree. Rest in Peace, Sweet Angel...

Stupid PKNS Blocked Our Water

2007-08-03T16:17:00.001+08:00

What a day!

Was woken up by dear husband, saying that there wasn't any more running water in the house. Not good. It was that time of the month and no water supply was not an option. We packed our bags and headed to my mother's. We've gotta move it fast if we want to go work on time. The water had been off for two nights now. Yesterday, my SIL checked with the PKNS Management of our apartment and they said that they weren't the one cutting off our supply. We HAVE paid our monthly management fees so we didn't really think much about it.

So this morning we went to parent's house super early and I had my shower there. Around 8.00, I called PUSPEL, asking if they were the ones behind this (I didn't think so coz I know we PAY the bills every month. I'm in charge of that. Every. Single. Month. Without Fail.). And sure enough, it wasn't PUSPEL's fault.

So, back to PKNS. They'd promised to send a guy over at 8.30 to see the pipes. 8.45, nothing. 9.00, 9.30, 10.00 nothing. My SIL was assigned to wait for them at home. She was already late for work, could not shower and dead hungry (she couldn't look for food outside of the house, in case the technician comes).

Guess what? The man came at 12 noon. And after 5 minutes, he was done. Apparently, the stupid people at PKNS had mistakenly clamped our water meter with the neighbour next door (who obviously is a cheapskate, freeloading, skank who doesn't pay his management fees). Arrggghhh!!! Look at all the trouble he had gotten us into!!!!

I didn't even feel at ease in the office, juggling between thinking about the cause of the water shortage, mending my lower abdomen pain and also work. I think I managed to p*ssed off my SV, for she needed me to work on a paper, which I had sorta kinda dodged and not being a good co-author at all. I am swamped, well at least until yesterday with corrections and today, this. I can't really commit over the weekend too, for we're going back to Muar to pick up my parent-in-laws who just HAVE to go to this wedding in KL on Sunday. But that's another story altogether.

Then there's this Welcoming Reception and Oath Taking Ceremony deal in the afternoon. Out of love for my husband and the University I work at, I have somehow agreed to be their emcee. What an experience that was. Personally, I didn't think my voice was the kind that would make the cut for emcee at all, it doesn't have the soothing and charismatic quality that many emcees usually possess, but... oh well... a promise is a promise.

Now that it's 5 p.m, I'm just taking a little breather and chill a bit. Lord knows I need some serious chilling. I have a workshop tomorrow (yes, on a Saturday) that begins at 9. I need a to go on holiday, pronto!

P/S: That holiday won't really happen so soon. My parent-in-laws are staying for roughly a week starting this Sunday. After that, I really need to go on holiday!

One Day to My Angel's EDD

2007-07-27T10:12:00.000+08:00

Hi All,

How are you guys doing?

Me? I’m fine. Just fine. One more day to my Angel’s EDD, but I’m still hanging on, Very, very busy, in fact. I have a correcting session with my examiner this morning, so I’ll be submitting my ‘real’ thesis pretty soon. The distraction is nice, but it doesn’t always help me mask all the pain underneath all the time. And sometimes, when I wasn’t thinking of it to self-destruct myself, well, surprise surprise, someone’s just gotta ask you how you are doing. Even worst, you were asked that question by a pregnant friend. A very pregnant friend whose due date is this 31^st July. No amount of work can keep you preoccupied then.

So here Nore was two days ago, asking me if I was okay. What was I suppose to say? And since she was nice, I just HAD to ask her how she was doing, to which she replied contently that her baby would be due soon, but she was still at work coz she feels healthy. Giggle giggle. Yeah, rub it in, why don’t ya. Okay to be fair to her, she wasn’t being mean or anything. Sometimes people just forget other people’s sufferings in the midst of their own happiness. Well, she deserves to be happy. Hard as it is, I’m still happy for her that she’s having a very healthy pregnancy, and a baby who is as healthy as a horse, but I still can’t shake the sadness away knowing that my own baby who would’ve been here about the same time as hers, had well, y’know, died halfway.

I know that her saying hi bothered me during the day, but I didn’t expect it to be embedded deep in my brain and haunt me in my dreams. Anyway, sleeping that night, I dreamt that I was walking hands in hands with my once best bud Annie. I’ve mentioned her several times before, y’know the one who got pregnant right about the time I miscarried? Anyway, we were going to this bookshop, and once we got there we went separate ways to find the books that we wanted. And upon paying, we met each other back at the counter. Annie, despite her being hugely pregnant and all, carried five books in her arms. She laid them out in front of me, showing her books one by one, which was all parenting related. Then she asked what book I was buying. I only had one in my hand, and I had held it tightly across my chest all the while (at this time, the ‘real’ me, the one who is sleeping and dreaming, was sorta looking at the movie me who was in my dream, do you get it? I don’t know how else to explain this, but at this point the ‘real’ me had no idea what book the dream me got). Slowly, I showed her my book. The title? ‘Dealing With Miscarriage’. Oh my God, even in my own dreams I am that PATHETIC.

I know that under a much different circumstances I probably would’ve been so excited to have my best friends pregnant and laboring away with me. We would definitely be exchanging parenting tips with each other. Would we have called each other and cried over every exhaustion, sleep deprivation and frustration in handling a newborn? But that would be okay because we would still be in it together. Would our children be best buds too when they grow up? Would they play together? Would they even fall in love with each other? Would we be in laws together? So many trips together, so many children events to go to together. So, so, very many dreams shattered. At least MY dream.

At times like these I have to keep reminding myself that this happened for a reason and God knows best. For my baby may not have been very healthy, as almost all miscarried babies are. Even if he did survive, he wouldn’t be the same as others. In a way, it was probably for the best. What if he was in a constant vegetative state, lifeless, with saliva drooling on his cheeks, for the rest of his life? Would I be able to take care of a disabled person then? I keep forgetting that one fact, mainly because I see my Angel as a perfect able bodied baby.

My baby never got a chance to be around to play with Annie’s or Nore’s babies, but I know that he is up in Heaven around with other children of other miscarried women. Yzma, K Liza, NorB, I hope our angels will find each other in Heaven. Allah has promised us that one day when time comes, our angels will be there to great us at the gates. May Allah bless all the women who are in this together, for He is the only one who truly understands all the pain and heartache that comes with it. Amin...

The Prophet said, upon him peace, "The miscarried child will pester its glorious and mighty Lord for His entering its two parents into the Fire until it is told, 'O miscarried child that pesters its Lord! Enter your father and mother into Paradise.' Then it will drag them with its umbilical cord until it makes them enter Paradise."

Ibn Majah and Abu Ya`la from `Ali

Sometimes Answers Are Given On the Spot

2007-07-24T09:15:00.001+08:00

Wow. Time really does tick fast when you're not noticing. When I first started this pregnancy ticker, it read that I had 270 something more days to go. 270 days! I thought that it was goinna take FOREVER. I guess I was right, in a way, my baby never got here and I won't get a chance to see him - forever.

Anyway, on Sunday, me and hubs went over to my parents' and we were enjoying our tea when my dad's cellphone went, Beep beep. It was my cousin, who texted my dad, letting him know that his wife has just given birth to their third child.

Instantly, I was taken back into the day of last Eid (Aidil Adha), where I was recuperating at my mom's in her living room following my D&C. As it was Eid, people were in and out, kids were running around nearby me and I was surrounded my relatives who came to visit poor me. From our conversation, I found out that she was also three months along. And then I found out another cousin was three months along. And then also another. It was really hard to hear that announcement in your living room, on Eid, where people were happy for them, but then they had to repress their happiness and muffled their excitement coz I was laying there lifeless (berpantang dalam bekung lagi) and holding back tears. Of course I felt cheated, for heaven's sake, this was not their first pregnancy for all my cousins and my first, but I lost it from early on. However, the hardest part was that they all sat quiet far away from me, I don't know whether they were sparing me the heartache, or whether they were scared of the herbs that I was taking which had a label warning to keep it away from pregnant ladies written hugely across it or whether they really thought miscarriages are contagious.

Where was I? Oh yeah, back to reality. So my Dad announced the good news to us. I faked a smile and asked what the baby's gender was. My Dad re-read the message but it did not say, so he wrote back asking the sex. By this time, I was getting more and more upset, as I know the days that follow will bring at least two, if not more announcements.

So without really thinking, I blurted out, "There was four of us in this together at the beginning, why did God chose to pick on me? WHY ME?!"

In a movie there would have been lightening and thunders on cue, but thank God that didn't happened. Instead, Beep Beep! the phone went. And my dad read out the message, telling us that it was a baby boy, and not a baby girl like my cousin and his wife had waited so long for.

My dad went on to preach aboout God and his plans. But I think I got my answers already. God had answered my question on the spot. He wasn't just picking on me. Everyone has their own little problems and grief to handle, and life isn't always perfect, even if they seem like they are for everyone else. And only God knows why things happen. As a believer, I need to have faith in Him.

Although I know my cousin feels bad about yet another baby boy (eyes rolled), at least it beats no baby at all right? And for the time being I'm left with only this as a painful reminder.....

Merdeka Parade

2007-07-20T13:44:00.000+08:00

After almost a week and a half of training and rehearsing, I supposed I could say we did a good job with our gimmicks for the Merdeka Parade. Won't comment longer, too tired, but here are some pics. Indulge!

At the starting point

A quarter of the way. We were the third group from back, mind you, so there were plenty more up ahead of us....

Stopped marching for pictures

Another stop for pictures :D

Eyeing the competitors ahead of us

And the ones from behind us

Getting very ready to start now (thank God, after an hour and half in the sun)

And here we are doing the jives

Catching a bit of breath - Yzma, Me and ET

Taking a little break. All those marching had done our heads in

Just us chilling, "Underneath Pokok Kelapak..."

Happy Merdeka Day everyone! (Independence Day)

P/S: Merdeka Day isn't for another month, 31st August exactly, but we're so into the whole Merdeka Month Campaign, to get everyone hyped and into the mood. Selamat Hari Merdeka ke-50 Malaysia! We love you, muah muah !!!

P/S/S: Our jives did not entice the judges enough to bag anything home, but enough to say to say that we are very proud of our country. And if dancing is the way to show it, so be it!

Oi Blissful Moment, Come Back!

2007-07-17T14:53:00.000+08:00

You know your time of blissful serenity is up when you went two weeks without hearing (yet) another pregnancy announcement and/or being asked, "Are you pregnant (yet)?"

Well today the general bliss that has followed me for awhile now is all but gone for I've encountered these two incidents in a span of ten minutes. Wow, what a blow. The cherry on top of the icing for today is that I've been told that I'm superfat and it is such a shame that I'm letting myself go and that I needed to lose weight now, by a super skinny someone who thinks that her assvice is helpful.

Ah... life's a bitch, ain't it?

p/s: maybe I need to lose weight, but why drag my miscarriage into it?

p/s/s: I'm slightly shaken, but still trying hard to maintain that positive attitude. Go, Riz! (I'm so desperate, I need to be my own cheerleader)

Night of the Friday 13th

2007-07-16T09:19:00.000+08:00

The title of my post sounded like I'm gonna write something spooky, but no, I'm just a drama queen. Forgive me.

Pkay, so I've been neglecting my blog a bit this last few days. There's a few things I've drafted in my head that I wanted to write about, but time seems to be tiredlessly envious of me, so I never got a chance to put pen to paper yet. I'm still deep in my thesis correction, but at least it's looking like it's gonna be finished soon, which I am pretty happy about. This is what my working desk looks like, and its messiness varies from day to day. Like right now, it's a bit messier coz I've just had my morning break, so add on a mug, a plastic bag of kueh, few scrunched up Kleenex and a camera (I've got pics that I've just transferred to share with you guys - woohoo!) on my desk. Other than that, it's pretty much the same coz the piles you see on my desk contains papers after papers of references and I'm not about to put it somewhere else until this whole MSc ordeal is over and done with.

Anyway, here's what tiny space I have to work at each day.

Last Friday evening, my best male mate Sake and his newly wedded wife, Ummu came to our house. Since it was a working day, I whipped up Spaghetti Bolognese. It was pretty easy, and fast to cook too. Not to mention a fool-proof menu. Guaranteed to work everytime (I confess I used Prego, and what a lifesaver that was!) The only annoying thing was that it didn't come out as I would've liked it - I've seriously cooked better, but that was all to that.

It was nice having guests once in awhile, and it was great fun teasing the new couple. God, we felt like we were such a seasoned couple now, me and dear husband. I guess I don't need to elaborate more, here are the pics (p/s the setting of time and date on the camera is wrong, but too late, whoops) :

Yup, that's our house. We are such minimalist, aren't we? Like our dining table? It's Japanese. Heh.

Here is me playing the great hostess role. In one of the shot my husband took a video of me 'entertaining' the guests, and in that full one minute, I was talking non-stop, whilst the guests gave me encouraging nods and inserted a word or two in agreement to my point. When my hubs played it back to me, I was a bit embarrassed. Boy, I could really talk forever and not notice that my guests haven't spoken a word!

The menu, which in my opinion, was tasteless. Grrr.... As always, I forgot to snap the pics before we began eating, so here's what I got. At the very least if it didn't taste so good, it should've looked tantalizing. But too late for that, too!

My match-made-in-heaven-guests. I don't know if this was a newly developed thing, or if Sake had had the romantic thing inside him since like, forever (I really never had the time to find out if he really was the romantic guy, friends that are platonic never notices) but I'm guessing he has it now, and darn proud to show his PDA (public display of affection) after he got married, hehehe... note the matching blue-white themed outfits ;P You guys are too cute lah! Note to Sake: I know you read this, so that's why I sakat2 u, hehehe... jgn mare aaaa....

So that's how I spent my Friday the 13th night. How did you spend yours? :D

Please Hold Him For Me

2007-07-12T12:58:00.000+08:00

Dear Lord, I would have loved
to have held my baby on my lap
and tell him about You,

but since I didn't get the chance,
would You please hold him on Your lap
and tell him about me?

- Riz -

Okay, not exactly a gloriously positive entray, but it beats whining right? That's positive, at least, right? right? right? :P

Let's Hear It For Ms Positive!.....

2007-07-11T14:33:00.000+08:00

And go crazy with the exclamation marks !!!!!!!!!!!!!! Woooo hooooo!!!!

Okay, sober now. It seems that I've been away for a good 12 days, Wow.

Sorry peeps, I've been really busy. For the entire of last week I was at a PhD Prep Course. I thought it was a blah, but it turned out great. It has finally put me into the right perspective and hey, believe it or not, I am looking forward to the future. Yay to the future!

I still have my MSc correction hanging over me, but not too long now. A bit more to reach my final destination, yee-haw!

Orait, you guys are probably thinking I'm weirded out right now, but these past few days, especially after taking those prep courses, I am left feeling positive and charged. I realize that I've always been mopey, and that's not good, so I'm taking a look back at my life, and I guess it's not that bad. I'm thinking ahead right now, and all I can see is the positiveness.

First step to losting positiveness: Lose weight. Uuuu yay... I even went woth friends to check out this provate gym, ahaks! Yeah, people have laughed when I dodged the mee soup this morning too, but to the hell with them. I'm doing things that are making me happy right now, even if it seems ridiculous or impossible la la la la!

And I'm in the marching team, where we're planning a one-minute gimmick up our sleeves. I love dancing!!!! Shhhh!

I think I'm going bonkers. I'd better stop now. Was it something I ate?

Today Is (Slightly) Better

2007-06-30T13:10:00.000+08:00

Yesterday was a really bad day for me. They say that the closer you get to your baby's EDD (estimated date of delivery), the more wilder your emotions get and you'll have a second wave of grieving revisited. Not a pretty prospect, especially to those people who HAVE to live near me and work with me :P Sorry, guys!

Today's slightly better though. Just this morning, I went to see a friend who had just given birth recently. Believe it or not, I was scared of my own reactions at first, but it turned out okay. Both mother and baby are healthy. I guess I was just thinking too much and underestimated my level of endurance. See, I can take the pain, I can dance through the rain. Yeah, right. Then comes afternoon, I'll be crying in the drain.

Anyways, I figure that I don't hate the babies (I mean, who could, right?), but I get ultra sensitive towards their pregnant mothers. After the child is borne, I'm A-OK with the mom. What is up with that? Anyone else feeling the same way?

I reasoned that it's probably because I never really got to hold the baby in my arms, so I never really felt like I lost a baby per se, but I know for sure I was once pregnant, and that the miscarriage made me feel feel like I was robbed of my pregnancy, hence the crazy obsession towards the bulging bellies clan. Is this even making sense anymore?

But one thing for sure, I find that facing those who got pregnant around the time I miscarried are my worst nightmare right now (i.e. Annie and that neighbour - Norah). That's one hurdle I need to deal with sometime soon. I can handle new pregnancy announcements and also news of delivery, but seeing the two is so painful as they are a constant reminder of what could've been. But that's my problem to deal and not yours, so be grateful you're not me.

I'm glad that today turns out slightly better. Hey, it's the weekend, right? That's gotta be at least a little better than weekdays? ;)

Chill. Have a nice weekend, all.

Yeah, Gravitate Towards Me, Why Don't You?

2007-06-29T23:35:00.000+08:00

Oooo-kay, so Friday was definitely one of the days the universe decides to be mean to me. As if I hadn't been punched enough in the morning, in the afternoon, when I had my mini interview for the fellow post, I was turned down. Personally, the interviewer would rather I just focus on my upcoming PhD. He'd rather hire a lab tech, RA or other position with less commitment towards studying.

In a way, I agree with the man. Yeah, so it wasn't so bad, being turned down for that position. Plus, I was only trying out of fun as I had always wanted to give something back to the community, and since I've practically finished my MSc, I thought this was a good time as any. Besides, it's not like I'm going to start my PhD tomorrow. I have a good two semesters to sit around 'searching' for ideas. And I needed the distraction to keep my own sanity. I want to devote all my energy and thoughts on something positive, and not self-destructive for once.

Being overly qualified can really be a bad thing, huh? But the annoying part was that the man actually made a remark that once I passed my PhD, I would be welcomed to join the force with arms wide open. Hah! As if I would want to anymore. Why is it that everything here revolves around, 'When you have your PhD and then you can .....?' It's like you can't even sneeze until you have your PhD. Blurgh! FYI, kalo aku balik ngan PhD, sori la, x main dah Felo2 ni, aku aim jadik Pengetua, ko tahu!?!

So after being pumped up about continuing PhD as soon as possible, I made a short walk to another department in the building to follow up on something PhD-related. I'm that pumped up, remember? As I was being entertained by the officer, there came a waif lady asking for something, which made the officer I was dealing with stopped abruptly and walked away to get her the stuff she needed.

She turned my way and casually asked where I was going, so I answered her. It was only polite that I asked her back the same, to which she replied, she wasn't going anywhere yet, but she's enrolling for the same course I had attended last week. We were totally strangers but that didn't stop her from confiding in me that she was scared of the physical load of the course that she had to attend because she was 3 months PREGNANT! And she went on and on about her plans, about giving birth in December, probably, and then taking a few months maternity, and then flying to UK in March 2008. She couldn't have picked a wronger person for her to talk about this, heck it was probably the wrongest day to strike up a conversation with me at all, seeing how things had turned out earlier on.

She looked young so I asked her how long has she joined our institution and if she's going to go oversea to do her PhD, to which she replied oh-so-matter-of-factly, 'I've only started woking two weeks ago. Oh no! I'm doing one of those Master but will have it converted to PhD thing'.

At that point of time, I felt like slapping this woman out of her delusions but that would be so wrong to slap a pregnant woman. I so hated her naiveness. I wanted to scream at her and tell her that don't count your chicks before your eggs hatched. That a miscarriage is always looming around every corner of a pregnancy and that I was also 3 months along when I lost my baby! And the whole MSc converted to PhD thingy? Pfft... Easier said than done. If you haven't started MSc yet, and you have a baby on the way, I wouldn't be so confident of the whole deal. How so blissfully ignorant this girl was!!!! Ignorance is probably the biggest blessing from above, seriously.

Then I felt bad that I was thinking like a monster. Gosh, I am such a mosntrous b*tch.

But I didn't feel bad for long, as the officer got back to us, and right then his phone rang. He talked a bit with the caller and it went something like this,

"The course? (the same course I went last week) Oh sure you can go. You don't need an offer letter from your university of coice to attend the course. You can attend anytime before you leave."

hghhkgjfjfhhmmm (sound made by the lady over the phone)

"Oh, you're PREGNANT. No, that wouldn't be a problem, you can be exempted from most of the physical activities. Blah blah..."

I didn't need to hear the end of the phone conversation. I knew what it was all about. Why do pregnant women seem to gravitate towards me? I've done nothing to provoke them, for the love of God, leave me alone!

Slumping, I headed back to my office. A friend of mine told me that this was common, probably God's way of toughening me up. According to her, for as long as I can't accept reality, I will forever be haunted by the bulging bellies. Oh, damnation! I'm probably going to be a bulging-belly magnet for quite awhile since I'm nowhere near ready to heal.

But I'm lucky I have a group of real great friends. After work we went out and stuff ourselves at Johnny's and then had a cookie-flavored gelato ice-cream to end it with. These girls did really well at making me forget all the $hit I faced today. You girls are the best la! I luv u!!!

"Recovering after m/c is like taking the pebble out of your shoe that is hurting you, and putting it in your pocket as a lucky rock, to rub and remember with.

That jagged rock that you bury deep in your pocket, its sharp edges force you to take it out and examine it from time to time, even when you don't want to. And when it is too heavy to carry you must ask a friend to hold it so you can rest.

As time passes it is a little easier to take the rock out of your pocket. It doesn’t seem to weigh as much. Now you show it to a circle of friends and, occasionally, even a stranger.

One day you pull out the rock and, surprisingly, it doesn't even hurt...for the edges are no longer jagged but smoothed by time, touch and tears."

Of Ticket and Ticked Off

2007-06-29T12:36:00.000+08:00

Look what I got in the mail this morning.

Oh God.

A speeding ticket. Dated 7th June 2007, at 10.18 a.m.

A quick mental calculation revealed that I was the speeding culprit, on SILK highway nonetheless. On the morning when I took leave from work to bake those cupcakes for my upcoming birthday then. The one where I went Yzma's, remember? Darn it.

This is bad. This is a first ever offense from me, even if the speeding ticket was addressed to the owner of our car - my husband. I never really drove anywhere out of a 20 km radius from home - except to Seremban and PD. I love Seremban. And PD too.

Anyway, $$Kah-Ching$$. RM300 down the john. So much for that pay rise. I wouldn't get to savor it, boohoo T_T

Another thing that ticked me off this morning was a remark from my very own mother who said something along the line that I was fat and look at the neighbour's daughter who is 7 months pregnant and NOT fat. I have been through many conversation like this in various styles, but the message is still the same. Okay, I'm fat, I got it. Just don't compare me with another pregnant woman, in this case, a childhood friend who happens to discover she was pregnant right about the time I discovered my baby's heart beat had stopped. It's too freaking painful and downright annoying!

What a crappy way to start a morning. Thank godness there's free nasi lemak giveaway at work by a generous staff. F*ck those calories. I eat because I'm upset. Clearly, I have an issue here, so be it.

Sorry I'm a party pooper today.

Countdown to Total Meltdown

2007-06-28T11:25:00.001+08:00

My oh my.

35 weeks and 5 days pregnant. Only 30 days to go.

That should've been me. In another parallel universe. 30 days. Wow.

Would I have been paranoid right now? Anxious maybe? Huge, certainly. Would I waddle like a duck across the room? Could I bear the swellings, cramps and all? I must've been broke too. Afterall, the nusery and all everything that accompanies the birth of a baby would have to have been already bought, installed and ready.

So you ask me,

Why do I torture myself with this again and again?

Is it because I'm a sick bitch who enjoys self-inflicted heart ache?

Is it because I hate work and prefer to just procrastinate and dream of all things warm and fluffy?

Is it because I'm delusional?

Is it because I'm in denial?

Is it because a moron who doesn't have a grip on reality anymore?

Is it because I bask in self-pity?

Is it because of my f*cked up hormones?

Is it because I'm slowly turning crazy inside?

You can guess what you want, I won't be mad at whatever you think of me. I have my own reason why I keep thinking of all the should-have-beens.

It's because, no matter how you want to see it, I am a mother who has lost a child. Everyday is a an endless reminder of the pain. No amount of time can ever make me heal completely, but slwoly, I'm trying to accept that this is the way things are meant to be.

I'm not asking you to grieve with me, but I'm asking you to understand, to not lash out on me and push me to hurriedly move on. I need to grieve this loss first before I can get on with everything else. Moreover, I don't want my angel to be forgotten! What mother would forget a child? Why is it any different with me?

So in another time, if once again, you catch me with that stary far-away look, know that I'll be thinking of my dead baby. Not as in grieving, but as in finding a new courage and strength to move forward. That's all I'm asking, because these upcoming 30 days will probably the hardest test of all....

Thanks.

200th Posts

2007-06-27T17:41:00.000+08:00

Ello people, I'm BACK!!!

The course was okay, not too bad, but I'll reserve that for another entry.

This is my 200th posts, woohoo to me!!!!! {{PARTY}}

A friend introduced me to a silly blog game, but I'm trying it out just for the heck of it. Here's the rule:

Via Google, type down {YOUR_NAME} followed by the word {needs}. Remember to type both words within a double quote, e.g. "Riz needs".
Hit enter.
From the results returned, choose only the top ten.
For every result, type down the first sentence that begins with YOUR_NAME needs onto your entry ... e.g. Riz needs a glass of water
Laugh at all the silly things you need to do. Ha!

Here's what I got:

Riz needs a loan (Yikes!)
Riz needs to get out more (I guess? A postgrad degree saps out all the fun from you!)
Riz needs work. (I thought I already have one. Oh you mean, start working 'working'? I'll get around to that in a bit ;P)
Riz needs a nice bottle of wine to watch all her programmes with (gotta be a heck of a problem I have there. Would a bottle of coke do?)
Riz needs to grow up and get over it (has this got something to do with my miscarriage? i'll never get over that one)
Riz needs an extra room for her shoes (could do with)
Riz needs a hug (awww... group hig everyone)
Riz needs to hit the gym (so true)
Riz needs a friend to f*ck up during the day (wah!)
Riz needs to post this now! (I'm not kidding, I got this for my last hit result, and boy oh boy this sure is a big ol sign saying I should stop writing and post this now - and perhaps start working!)

So, before this I didn't know I was that broke, that cooped up, that unresolved over some issues, that fat in the ass, and that anorexic, at least sexually, according to this. Haha, just kidding! Now I have a bunch of things to do that I didn't know I had to do.

Okay, your turn now. Let me know what you need to do. Have fun while you're at it!

Away For Awhile

2007-06-20T18:45:00.000+08:00

I'll be away for a few days. Attending a course. In the middle of nowhere. {{SIGH}}

I'll see you guys next week. Wish me all the best, okay ;)

--LOGGING OFF--

Fashion Mishaps

2007-06-19T19:38:00.000+08:00

Shopping for a brassiere is probably the hardest task of all when it comes to shopping.

A few weeks after my miscarriage, I went shopping and was just browsing through a pile of sales item on the brassiere rack. Not longer than five seconds afterwards, I was "assisted" by a salesgirl. I really didn't fancy salesgirls that much, I mean, sure enough, stay close to the customers to help them if they needed something, but for the love of God do NOT follow the customer's every move with eyes of a hawk. Annoying, but apparently it's a norm here in Malaysia.

Anyway, so there I was, minding my own business, when this cheery saleslady came up to me and started suggesting a newer (AND more expensive) line of undergarment. Since I was brought up to be a polite young lady, I listened to what she had to say.

As my fingers went around those delicate cotton, I noticed something wasn't quite right. Why is there a 'window-like' thingie that can open and close when it's never there before? Hmmm...

When I said I wasn't interested, she quickly added, "It's good for the baby. You are expecting, right?"

Oh. My. God. It was a maternity bra. No wonder.

I wanted to sink in a hole right there, not so much from the embarressment, but more of heartache, but I didn't know how to respond. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, the synapses in my brains started working and I managed to utter something like, "Not now, but I was for a short while ago." Just shoot me, arrkkkk!!!

Most annoyingly, why is it that when I really WAS pregnant, no saleslady ever approached to ask that darn question? I would've been only too happy to answer a Big Fat YES, and perhaps followed by a feigned irritated, 'Can't you tell already?' . Heheheh.

Ironic, isn't it?

P/S: in case you're wondering why write a story on something so old, well, let's just something came up over the weekend that reminded me of it, in a good way, actually ;)

Birthday Celebration With The Girls From Work

2007-06-16T00:00:00.000+08:00

This was us on last Wednesday evening. We went out for dinner at Pizza Hut, where we had a generous helping of Pepperoni Pizza, Supreme Delight and the Anchovy-Sambal Pizza. Because we got too hungry, we forgot to take pics of the food. It was too yummy-licious, especially when a great bulk of it is being paid by someone with a huge heart and a huger wallet! (God bless you, la Yzma!).

The laces on my one of my sandals snapped out on me earlier that morning, and I had to make do with that sandal throughout my excursion. It just so happened that the girls wanted to get me something for my birthday, so sandals it was.

After browsing through stores after stores, I settled for these. Aren't they nice?

The Birthday Sandals

The Birthday Sandals on The Belated Birthday Girl - Nice, huh?

To Mas, Yzma and Eti, thank you very much for the evening and the sandals. You guys shouldn't have, but I love it when you did. You guys are too nice.... {{Group Hug}}

Hepi (Belated) Birthday To Me

2007-06-15T17:27:00.000+08:00

I haven't written anything about my birtday celebration this year. It was a lmost non-existent, as always the case because apparently June is the month where I have to share my birthday with endless other wedding invitations. Not only that, those who are not married would usually be away on holiday or away attending out-of-state wedding invitations! To make it worst, since my birthday is so close to my anniversary, even dear husband is not really that tuned into it, as his usual response is, "Alahh... ari tu kan dah celebrate anniversary... sama le tu". So ladies, do NOT get married close to your birthday date. You deserve a birthday celebration AND an anniversary celebration, NOT a combo celebration that just jumbles the two together.

Having said that, my hubs isn't that bad at all. I've potrayed him so badly just now, it's like he's mean or something. No-lah! There was that birthday in 2005 when we first celebrated it at Nexus Karambunai Resort, Sabah (the place was a paradise on Earth!) because we were on our honeymoon then. Definitely a birthday to remember ;)

2005

Then there was last year, where he brought me along on his work trip to JB, and he still managed to surprise me with a birthday party amongst his work colleagues (Boss/Dean included!) And I got a watch that year as a present, but I'd sadly lost (I'll write a post later about me n watches n how I never seem to be able to keep one from getting lost).

2006

And then there was this year where he took me out on the night of my birthday (this was at Mersing) and we ate huge portions of real seafood. And I got a digital camera as a present for my anniversary/birthday present, which is a good choice, especially since he's getting a huge kick in snapping away them pictures more than I do! Hehehe....

I'm really grateful I get to celebrate my birthday again for another year with someone I love and for that person to love me back for just being me, year in, year out. Also I'm thankful for both of my wonderful parents, who brought me into this world 26 years ago and have never stopped raising me to be person that I am today. (I'm very touched that neither of you ever forgot my birthday and kept wishing me a good year a head. I Love you guys so much! And you too, Abe and Adeq. P/S: Where are my presents? Ahem).

More, More Wedding

2007-06-14T18:45:00.000+08:00

On my birthday last week, my husband and I traveled to Mersing to attend my husband's best female friend's wedding, Kak Hafizah. It was a long trip that took about 4 hours, but it was worth it. I have always loved Mersing, the small fishing town with really beautiful beaches all around. I fell in love with Mersing the first time I set foot on it, about 5 years ago on a Kompang Club trip.

Anyway, I'm sidetracking here. The point of this entry is to wish the couple out most heartiest congratulations.

To K Hafizah and Faisal,
Congratulations on your wedding!!!

The Bride

Isn't she pretty?

The Newlyweds

I love their purple theme!

Happily, Ever, After

Uuuii... cake... yummy yum yum

I just love weddings, don't you?

Dreams

2007-06-13T19:18:00.000+08:00

Last Sunday night, I dreamt that my office mate would pass her viva with Minor corrections. Up came Monday morning, and two hours after her viva, what do you know?! A pass with minor corrections, indeed! Congratulations, ET!

Coincidence? I always thought so. I never give a sh*t on dreams and such. Afterall, aren't dreams supposed to reflect what we're thinking or doing during the day, whether it's conscious or sub-consciously?

A few nights back I had a pretty vivid dream, one that I could almost swear was too real. I dreamt of my best friend Annie, you know, the one who found out she was pregnant three days after I lost my baby? The one I haven't spoken to since the miscarriage because I was an emotional wreck? The one I refuse to talk to now because I'm a foolish egomaniac and didn't want to be the first to pick up the phone because I believe that happy people should approach misfortunate people first? Yeah, that one.

Well, in my dreams she was so round now. Rightfully so at 7 months. And in my dream we didn't need words, I'd just spontaneously ran out to her and gave her my heartiest, biggest hug ever. To which both of us laughed. The innocent kind of laugh, like the olden days. It felt so real that I could almost still feel the warmth of her round belly rubbing onto my neither bulging nor slim tummy. I remember that I felt fuzzy and content inside. And that there was no hint of envy or hatred. I want that feeling to stay with me forever.

I guess I just miss her too much, but I don't know how to pick up where things had been left. Which wasn't too pretty, either, the way we left it. Now that she'll give birth any time soon, I guess my dream is telling me that I need to do something, to call her at least, and be a supportive friend once again. I can't go on hating her and her baby forever (which i don't, but have been avoiding her at all cost because I'm a sissy - I know I'll well up in tears as soon as I see her).

I told my friend who had gone through a similar miscarriage of this dream. Quietly, but calmly, she spoke to me, "Riz, losing a dear friend over something like this is not worth it. If we keep pushing ourselves away from people who have reached the other side, one day we'll end up with no friends in the end. That will not make us any happier, but it'll definitely make our lives a lot more lonelier."

She's true, y'know. I guess I have to be a grown up and do what's right.

Growing up sure sucks big time. {SIGH}

We'll Still Have Each Other

2007-06-11T18:21:00.000+08:00

To Abang,

Lookin' in your eyes I see a paradise
This world that I've found is too good to be true
Standin' here beside ya, want so much to give you
This love in my heart that I'm feelin' for you

Let 'em say we're crazy, I don't care about that
Put your hand in my hand, baby, don't ever look back
Let the world around us just fall apart
Baby, we can make it if we're heart-to-heart

And we can build this dream together
Standing strong forever
Nothing's gonna stop us now
And if this world runs out of lovers
We'll still have each other
Nothing's gonna stop us, nothing's gonna stop us now, whoa no

I'm so glad I found you, I'm not gonna lose you
Whatever it takes, I will stay here with you
Take you to the good times, see you through the bad times
Whatever it takes is what I'm gonna do

Let 'em say we're crazy, what do they know?
Put your arms around me, baby, don't ever let go
Let the world around us just fall apart
Baby, we can make it if we're heart-to-heart

And we can build this dream together
Standing strong forever
Nothing's gonna stop us now
And if this world runs out of lovers
We'll still have each other
Nothing's gonna stop us, nothing's gonna stop us, ooh

All that I need is you
All that I ever need
All that I want to do
Is hold you forever, forever and ever

And we can build this dream together
Standing strong forever
Nothing's gonna stop us now
And if this world runs out of lovers
We'll still have each other
Nothing's gonna stop us, nothing's gonna stop us

Build this dream together
Standing strong forever
Nothing's gonna stop us now
And if this world runs out of lovers
We'll still have each other
Nothing's gonna stop us now

And we can build this dream together
Standing strong forever
Nothing's gonna stop us now
And if this world runs out of lovers
We'll still have each other
Nothing's gonna stop us, nothing's gonna stop us

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

P/S: If you're wondering what is up with multiple posts per day, it's in accordance to the songs that made me cried over nothing (two posts back). I just thought that it'd be cute to put the lyrics in. And besides, PMS, remember? People with PMS can do practically anything and get away with it ;D

I'll Be Missing You

2007-06-11T18:19:00.000+08:00

Just Because....

It's kinda hard with you not around (yeah)
Know you in heaven smilin down (eheh)
Watchin us while we pray for you
Every day we pray for you
Til the day we meet again
In my heart is where I'll keep you baby
Memories give me the strength I need (uh-huh) to proceed
Strength I need to believe
My thoughts Big I just can't define (can't define)
Wish I could turn back the hands of time
Us in the 6, shop for new clothes and kicks
You and me taking flicks
Makin hits, stages they receive you on
I still can't believe you're gone (can't believe you're gone)
Give anything to hear half your breath (half your breath)
I know you still living you're life, after death

Every step I take, every move I make
Every single day, every time I pray
I'll be missing you
Thinkin of the day, when you went away
What a life to take, what a bond to break
I'll be missing you

Bawling Over Nothing?

2007-06-11T17:55:00.000+08:00

YOU KNOW THAT TIME OF THE MONTH IS AROUND THE CORNER WHEN...

Your eyes welled up when 'I'll Be Missing You' by Puff Daddy was playing on the radio, as the bytes of words reminded you of your dead Angel, along with all the emptiness and sadness that comes with it.

BUT IT WAS A MAJOR GIVE AWAY WHEN ...

You sobbed uncontrollably when the next song comes up and it was 'Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now' by Jefferson Starship. These, in contrast, were tears of joy, that was sparked by a glimmer of hope and a whole lot of faith. At least we still have each other no matter what, and that's something huge to be grateful for.... right?

Ahhh... PMS. Can't you tell yet? The joy of being a woman. Join my club anyone?

Happy 26th Birthday, Riz!

2007-06-09T18:37:00.000+08:00

P/S: Er, that's me, by the way, in case anyone got confused(?) hehehe. Let the prezzies come in!

Cupcake Day

2007-06-08T10:53:00.000+08:00

I took a leave from work yesterday. Spent my morning at my mom's, catching up on stories about our family and also relatives in Kelantan (she and my Dad went back to Kelantan for my cousin's wedding last week).

Later, I went over at Yzma's house and we did some baking. First we drove to the store to get the ingerdients needed, then around 11-ish, we started baking sweet little cupckaes in two sizes. One was muffin sized and the other slightly smaller.

Fresh out of the oven

At1 pm, Mas joined us from her break and we had a nice lunch at Tesco. I had my Nasi Ayam BBQ, yum yum.

The fun really began when we started decorating the cupcakes. Mixing the icing fot the cupcakes was a bit of a trial and error, but we ended up with colors and texture that okay by our standard. Overall, I had great fun baking.

Me trying my skills on piping the icing on the cupcakes

My Baking Sifoo!

The product - not bad, huh?

Chef Riz n Chef Yzma

P/S: My birthday is tomorrow on the 9th. I felt like baking cupcakes to celebrate my birthday.
If you're around at my office, feel free to drop by and take a cupcake or two home, if you're not here, sorry, honey, maybe next year :D

What A Miscarriage Is

2007-06-06T18:24:00.000+08:00

Something happened today reminded me of my own loss.....

Miscarriage. Mis.car.riage:

One way to define it is as a 'spontaneous premature loss of foetus from the womb'.

A more clinical definition gives, 'any pregnancy that ends spontaneously before the fetus can survive. The World Health Organization defines this unsurvivable state as an embryo or fetus weighing 500 grams or less, which typically corresponds to a fetal age (gestational age) of 20 to 22 weeks or less'.

To me, it had almost always been about 'shattered dreams', and 'motherhood lost', but I found a quote today which was nice and decided to stick to it. It defines it as 'an event in life that strengthens you on the outside, yet softens you in the inside'. Ahhh... schweeeet...

It's hard to define a miscarriage exactly. But I guess the image of the chicken and egg/chick above says it all perfectly ;)

Mu’adh b. Jabal reported on the authority of Allah’s Messenger s.a.w. who said
"By him in whose Hand is my life, the miscarried fetus will drag his mother towards the paradise, with his navel string if she had shown the patience for the sake of reward from Allah."

Man, I've got to learn to be more PATIENT!!!

Some people only think of Angels, I carry one in my heart

Langsung Tak Pernah...

2007-06-05T20:03:00.000+08:00

I heard this song from Mawi over the radio last night and it got me thinking...

Langsung tak pernah marah walaupun sekali seakan memahami,
Langsung tak pernah kasar dalam berbahasa menjaga maruahku,
Langsung tak pernah jeling menunjukkan benci pada diriku ini,
Buatku tak pernah akan pernah menyesal menagih cintamu
biarpun membelai rindu.

Direct translation to English (this may not be 100% correct, but close enough)
(Never ever got angry not even once as if so understanding,
Never ever been impolite in speech, saving my pride,
Never ever looked at me with eyes like daggers to show me hatred,
Makes me never regretting the need to beg for your love even when I'm missing you)

Okay, this post isn't about me or Mawi. It's just that during this wedding season, I'd like to remind all guys out there if they have for one second wished or paryed that their little wifey will be this 'ideal', I'd say dream on! If your woman needs to fulfill all of the above, then you don't need a wife, you need a FEMBOT (female robot). A one with low AI programmed is better, as even robots today have emotions and facial expressions, Duh!

What I'm saying that, of course there's gonna be time where you bicker, fight back, sulk, pout, yell, throw stuff (?) at each other, but that's part and parcel of a marriage. The best part of it all is that you get to kiss and make up hehehehe...

So please, don't expect your wife to put up with everything without retaliating. It just isn't realistic. Women are humans too. And look what happened to the women who stayed 'perfect' and suffered in silence whilst their man treated them badly? The song 'Pada Syurga Di Wajah Mu' should give us all a huge clue.

That being said, there's nothing wrong with this song or Mawi. God, I absolutely adore him and his personality, I really nice celebrity indeed. (This was at the KLIA airport, where for the 1st time in my life I walked up to an artist and asked him if I could take pics with him. He said Yes! Nice guy indeed. Mawi World!!!!!). Plus, this song is really catchy, I totally enjoy listening to it. And I know this song isn't about what the man is expecting, more like he is upset that he had lost a 'perfect' lady from his life. But I just thought I'd write about a man's idea of 'perfection' in a life partner and how, in some cases, they are just ridiculous like this :P

Selamat Pengantin Lama - Tahun ke-2

2007-06-04T13:36:00.000+08:00

Just because it's the wedding season, we wouldn't want to be the only one leftout... even if it means two posts in a day, so be it... So Selamat Pengantin Lama to Us, and Semoga Penyatuan Dua Hati ini diberkati Tuhan dan dilimpahi Rahmat selama-lamanya... Amiin....

Kehadiran cintamu, Menyinari hidupku, Kehangatan cintamu, Mengubati sepiku Kelembutan hatimu Mengubati lukaku Kedamaian hatimu Menyinari hidupku Keagungan cintamu Bersama impianku Untuk hidup bersama Sehingga keakhirnya Makin membara Api cintaku Kaulah yang satu Kaulah cintaku Tak mungkin lagi Berubah hati Cinta yang suci Cinta abadi....

TO MY HUSBAND,

Another year to create
precious memories together.
Another year to discover
new things to enjoy about each other.
Another year to build
a life rich in love and laughter.
Another year to strengthen
a marriage that defines "forever."

Happy Anniversary, Abang!

http://www.poemsource.com/anniversary-poems.html

P/S: This photo was shot by Allahyarham Mohd Fadhli Che Hassan on my wedding day 2 years ago.
May Allah repay his kindness.

P/S/S: The photo shoot was done and paid through Izani
I put the link here coz I think they did a great job.
A website they created for my wedding is here

Selamat Pengantin Baru

2007-06-04T10:17:00.001+08:00

Ahh... the time of the year has once again come. It's June and in Malaysia, that means, kenduri, kenduri, kenduri..... The time where... ding.. dong the wedding bells are ringing virtually everywhere.

On Saturday we went to my husband's admin assistant's wedding in Pedas. Boy, could the North-South Highway get another crowded with massive traffic than on Saturday? What normally took an hour plus ride turned into a three hour plus ride. By the time we got there, the bride and groom had changed clothes into normal T-shirts and Kain Sarong Batik! Nonetheless, the masak lemak daging kerbau (buffalo meat cooked in coconut and hot, green chillies with a tinge of lemon grass and tumeric) was really good, and God knows when the last time I ate buffalo meat (if ever at all!)

On Sunday, we went to Klang to celebrate my best male mate's wedding. There were four of us in our car (me, hubs, Faisal and K Zai) and another three in Peng's car (Peng, Ng and Liza aka. Makcik). His solemnization was held in the morning, which we had missed, but we got there soon after. The couple looked lovely in white, and the reception was nice too. I got to snap a couple of pics of the wedding....

To Azeeda and Mahalzan, Sake and Ummu,
(and the rest of blog readers who got married this past weekend),
CONGRATULATIONS!

The Blushing Bride

The Bashful Groom

The Riot Clan

The Newlyweds ... together at last

Looking Back

2007-06-01T18:53:00.000+08:00

Pangkor, 2001

And so we talked all night about the rest of our lives
Where we're gonna be when we turn 25
I keep thinking times will never change
Keep on thinking things will always be the same

But when we leave this year we won't be coming back
No more hanging out cause we're on a different track
And if you got something that you need to say
You better say it right now cause you don't have another day

Cause we're moving on and we can't slow down
These memories are playing like a film without sound
And I keep thinking of that night in June
I didn't know much of love
But it came too soon

And there was me and you
And then we got real blue
Stay at home talking on the telephone
We would get so excited and we'd get so scared
Laughing at ourselves thinking life's not fair
And this is how it feels

As we go on
We remember
All the times we
Had together
And as our lives change
Come Whatever
We will still be
Friends Forever

So if we get the big jobs
And we make the big money
When we look back now
Will our jokes still be funny?

Will we still remember everything we learned in school?
Still be trying to break every single rule
Will little brainy Bobby be the stockbroker man?
Can Heather find a job that won't interfere with her tan?
I keep, I keep thinking that it's not goodbye

Keep on thinking it's a time to fly
And this is how it feels

La, la, la, la:
Yeah, yeah, yeah
La, la, la, la:
We will still be friends forever

Will we think about tomorrow like we think about now?
Can we survive it out there?
Can we make it somehow?
I guess I thought that this would never end
And suddenly it's like we're women and men

Will the past be a shadow that will follow us 'round?
Will these memories fade when I leave this town
I keep, I keep thinking that it's not goodbye
Keep on thinking it's a time to fly

Ah... the sweetest times pass too quickly. A little walk down the memory lane, reminiscing the good old times with the 'gang'. Although the past is behind us, it shapes our future. Never let go of it. Come marriage, work, or family, stay friends forever okay?

To Sake, Best Wishes for Your Wedding this Sunday!

Lunch With The Girls

2007-05-31T17:32:00.000+08:00

After some serious stressful moments, lunch out with the girls is just what I needed. Yum! We went to Ramen, a Japanese Restaurant on Tuesday to celebrate Mas' 26th Birthday which fell a week before on the 22nd. We had also planned on celebrating Jiah's leaving for Johor as well, but it turned out that Jiah couldn't make it to lunch with us as she was busy getting things sorted for her move.

It was fun nonetheless. We got Mas a wooden frame which was like shutters that open up to a picture inside. We also got her some incense, so long as going with the whole Balinese concept.

The Birthday Girl and Yzma. And also the ultra yummy, yummy food.

Me and Eti. That heapful thing in front of me is my lunch. And I devoured it all out of gluttony.
You'll screw your darn diet too when you're as stressed as I am!

The food at Ramen was good. I had Tomyam Fried Rice and it was yummy. The portion was large, but I ate it all up without realizing. I wasn't feeling as adventurous as the others, tho. They had some real Japanese stuff which I don't even remember their names now, but I had a bit of each and they were all delicious. Wouldn't mind going there again, especially with the cute 'pretend' Japanese seats.

To Mas,
Happy Belated 26th Birthday.
Wishing you a Happy, Joyous and Trouble-free Life! :)

Thank God for Friends

2007-05-30T09:55:00.000+08:00

This is a snippet of a YM conversation I had just now, which made me feel a bit better. Thank God for friends like these...

friend: ohayoo gozaimasu

me: yeah?

friend: hmm, morning

me: morning

me: ada apa ye?

friend: read ur latest blog

me: oh

me: i see

friend: i tot u're happy with what u're doin now

me: biasa la... major melt down

me: btw u n me la, i'm gonna say this, those friends yg dah progressing that i wrote about, included u, Izzy, Annie, etc

me: i feel stuck la here

friend: Izzy n Annie tu cikgu la

friend: u're a *****

me: i have a job with meager wage, i've lost a baby, i (almost) have a so-so MSc, i'm getting all the bad lucks la here

friend: me?

friend: i'm still where i was a year ago, sigh

me: yes, n what? cikgu make a lot of money tau... n they dont have to do research, n they get cuti right now where i have to haul my ass to work

me: but u've moved on

me: u're in big bangsar now

friend: mine is not all that beautiful la riz

me: n i guess part of me is just jealous that everyone gets to have a living baby, where mine was taken so soon. yknow

me: so in the end i'm like back to zero, after a pregnancy with a dead baby, i'm back to zero

me: after beating my brains with Msc, i'm forced to do PhD ASAP, so basically back to studying (back to zero again)

me: AND I F*CKING HATE IT!

friend: come on la

me: mesti dah menyesal coz u said hi to me kan, kan kan?

friend: chances r that u're gonna have another baby

friend: isk2, nyesal apo plak

me: coz kena layan org giler

friend: that's what i'm here for

friend: i want to have MSc myself

friend: u're ahead of me. u're a year married already pun

me: temporary insanity je la kot... i vented out my anger n frustration la smlm tu, that's what blogs and friends are for hehe

friend: ++

me: really? then why do i feel like $hit?

friend: coz people r never satisfied with what they have

friend: just like me, sometimes want to be you

me: really? it's not that fun la

friend: probably, n be in my shoes n u'll know it's not fun neither

me: i guess

me: sorry la dude, i guess the feeling had accumulated since the viva la, n there was a lot of work to be done around this time, n seeing pics of Izzy's baby on her friendster was the thing that broke all hell lose

friend: they have a baby, n u dont

friend: so do i

friend: u have a MSc, but we dont

friend: u have a stable job, but i dont

friend: our 2 other frens tu r highly paid, but they're in the middle of nowhere

friend: all of u r married, n i'm just about to

friend: that's just some ideas la. but then, sume org pun lebey kurang je

me: thanks, dude

me: thanks again for making me feel better

friend: i feel better myself too. life is full of shit, yeah

me: motto for today: shit happens.

me: or as my bro said it to me once, hidup ibarat tayar, adakala kita kat atas, ada kala kita kat bawah, terpijak taik pulak tu

me: but do we throw away the tyre? no... kita basuh, kita cuci, and kita guna balik

me: n when it starts rolling, one day kita akan kat atas balik

me: how's that?

friend: first heard/read the terpijak taik part

me: hehe

friend: but yeah, it's true indeed la

friend: sometimes x basuh/cuci pun

friend: just let it clean by itself. jalan sket2, ilang la taik tu

me: hehe... betul... x cuci pon

friend: btul la tu, just like our life jugak

friend: things just come n go

friend: if u feel bad about it, basuh la. if not, it'll go by itself.

me: true

friend: ok2. sat lagi naik komuter je. normally kalo dapat seat online je YM with 3g

me: orait

me: take care

friend: kn, n

P/S: This is no way degrading teachers in any way. On the contrary, I envy teachers, and wouldn't really mind being one some day. Please do not take offense.I apologize if this entry has made a few people angry. That wasn't my or my buddy's intention.

P/S/S: In case anyone's wondering, i have asked permission from my friend to post this conversation on my blog. I wouldn't otherwise post it, I still believe in privacy and stuff. Just a note so you know In case, you don't feel safe any longer to chat via YM with me :P

Crazed and Confused

2007-05-29T17:20:00.000+08:00

I may have passed, but I'm emotionless.

I'm having a MAJOR meltdown these few days past my viva. I don't know why exactly, though. I'm blaming hormones, conflicts at home and $hitload of work. Not a good combination at all.

A friend asked if I was relieved now that I've passed. I said no. I have plenty of corrections to do. Overall, I'm not happy with myself at all. My performance was bad, boy, do I feel stupid. Stupid to even think I can take this route in the first place. The way I'm feeling right now, I don't want to do a PhD - ever!

It's not easy when you have a PhD-holder Daddy. Only those in my shoes would understand. Though I did not do too bad, I'm constantly afraid of letting him down, y'know? Like I'm gonna break the family tradition or something. Everything I do now is because it has always been a given, not that Daddy forced me into anything. It's not fair to blame him when it's so obvious that I'm the one with issues. You know you're in major trouble when your 26 and still don't know what you want in life.

Many of my friends are getting married come June. They've had so many positive and dramatic changes in life, and I feel like I'm the one left behind. Static. Stagnant. Stuck. Yuck.

Fo heaven's sake I'm still in Uni "studying", when everyone else is making BIG bucks, climbing the career ladder, cradling toddler, whatever.

Me? Unsettled, unfinished, un-everyhting-ed.

Unfair, isn't it?

Just this morning I was thinking. This path I choose is taking a toll on me. Living in fear. Surrounded by uncertainties. Always stressed out. In constant frustration and disappointment.

Why, oh why?

Come to think of it, what I really want is probably the one thing that I have lost. {{SIGH}}

Ps: Sorry I'm HUGE whiner today. I need to let it all out lest I go crazy.

Viva Update

2007-05-25T18:49:00.000+08:00

It was gruesome, but more importantly, I passed! (with corrections)
Thank You God...

24 Hour TimeBomb

2007-05-24T08:49:00.000+08:00

It's 8.50 a.m. This time tomorrow, I'll be sitting my viva. God, that's less than 24 hours to go. I'm scared, nervous, anxious, excited, frightened, giddy all in one. Please pray that I pass with flying colours!

Tahlil

2007-05-22T20:08:00.001+08:00

I went to Pali's tahlil last night with my husband at his parent's house at Bukit Antarabangsa. His parents were really nice people, and I wish I could've met them under a much different situation. Not like last night.

This was my first time at his place, though he had been to mine several times during the Raya season and my wedding. As I shook his mother's hand, I let out a few consoling words, and I told her what a nice friend Pali was and how he had at one time made my day when he paid me a surprised visit in the hospital when I was down with dengue fever. It's those small gestures that stick with you for the rest of your life. True, we had our fair share of 'heated arguments' too over something stupid like photography rights or something, but at times like these, those are totally insignificant and long forgotten. Oh how I so wish that that wasn't how we had ended our last YM conversation.

So last night, before departing, I held Pali's mom's hands real tight, and said,

"As Pali's mom, I beg you, dear Auntie, to forgive me of anything I might have said or done to your son, and likewise, I hold no grudges against him."

As I said it, I was shaking so bad, words were choking in my throat and it brought tears to my eyes.

I will miss him as a friend, someone I had once known and been there to make me happy.

I see his photos, and I can't believe I won't ever come across that cheeky smiling face againt.

I still remember our first conversation together, waaay back, when we shared something in common which was about never sitting the SPM exam, and how he took Scottish Higher and me my GCSEs.

I still see his name in my phonebook, and I don't know if I can ever delete his name from the list.

I will miss seeing him on my YM list, forever will feel guilty for being too lazy or too buzy to even buzz and say hi. And now I never get to see his name up on my YM list anymore.

So, as a reminder to myself and all friends out there,

Cherish someone you love right now, for in an instant, they may be gone.

Man, this is so surreal.

From MalayMail

‘I never imagined I’d lose him like this’
By RAHMAN DAROS

FOR someone who had just lost a son, Che Hassan Che Man was the epitome of calm.

The 56-year-old father tried hard to contain his emotions as soon as he arrived at Serdang Hospital along with his other children — three daughters and a son — last night.

“It’s fated. But I never imagined I’d lose him like this,” he told The Malay Mail at the hospital’s mortuary.

His eldest son, 28-year-old Mohd Fadhli, drowned at Nuang Waterfall at the Gunung Nuang recreational forest in Hulu Langat while trying to save two female camping buddies yesterday.

Mohd Fadhli was with 18 others during the two-day onenight excursion at the waterfall.

“That’s him. He loved to help people, especially his friends,” said Che Hassan, director of the Institute for Rural Advancement in the Rural and Regional Development Ministry.

Che Hassan, of Bukit Antarabangsa, said his son loved the outdoors.

“He’s an outdoorsman and loved to do it with his friends, especially when it came to hiking and camping. He’s been to Gunung Stong in Kelantan, Gunung Korbu in Perak and others.

“He didn’t say anything unusual when he left the house yesterday (Saturday). Everything seemed normal,” he said.

“It’s a double blow for me as I lost my mother-in-law last month.” Che Hassan’s wife, who was in Kuala Terengganu for a seminar, could not catch a fl ight back to Kuala Lumpur in time to join him at the mortuary.

In the 11.45am incident, Pali, as Mohd Fadhli was fondly known, jumped into the water after seeing his female friends in trouble. Both women, in their 20s, survived.

Yesterday, the two women refused to speak to the Press.

One of them appeared too distraught and had to be comforted by friends.

“Please do not disturb us.

We’re not ready to talk about this,” said one.

Later at the hospital, one of women was seen apologising to Che Hassan.

Mohd Fazrunizam Aris, 21, said the last thing Mohd Fadhli talked about was inviting everybody to dinner.

“There was a lot of food last night (Saturday) and he kept inviting the rest of us.

“But when the incident happened, I wasn’t there as I was on higher ground,” he said.

Another friend, Mohd Nor Ariff, 21, who did not join the group, said he was told that Mohd Fadhli probably had trouble getting to the surface due to the undercurrent.

“A man from another camping group managed to pull him out after almost an hour and performed CPR on him. But by then, it was too late,” he said.

Civil Defence Department operations chief Shahrul Kamar Mohd Johari said they received a distress call at noon and rushed to the scene.

“The first team arrived at the campsite at 1.30pm. It took about an hour to get there using a four-wheel-drive. This was followed by our second team, which arrived at 2pm.

“However, we only managed to bring the body down at 5.30pm because we had problems with one of our vehicles,” he said.

The joint-rescue operation with the Fire and Rescue Department from Bangi involved 14 offi cers from each department.

Mohd Fadhli’s family is expected to claim his body today before burying him at Ulu Klang Muslim cemetery.

In Memorium... Pali

2007-05-21T15:22:00.000+08:00

Pali (circled) volunteered to freelance at my wedding

Rakan-rakan yang mengenali Pali, maafkanlah kesalahannya dan halalkanlah makan minumnya, serta senda guraunya. Marilah kita mensedekahkan bacaan ayat-ayat suci Al-Quran mengiringi pemergiannya dan senantiasalah mengingati arwah Pali sebagai seorang yang ceria, pemurah, baik hati, tidak sombong, suka berjenaka, tidak lokek memberi nasihat dan sangat senang didampingi.

Semoga Roh-Nya dicucuri Rahmat.

AL-FAATIHAH.....

*************************************************************

Source: http://www.hmetro.com.my/Current_News/HM/Monday/Setempat/20070521111641/Article/indexm_html

Maut ditelan arus

Oleh Abdullah Wahab dan Hadzlihady Hassan

KAJANG: “Pali nak selamatkan Zurek dan Naza yang tergelincir dan lemas, bagaimanapun air berpusar menyebabkan dia ditarik ke dasar,” kata Mohd Nor Ariff Mohd Azmi, 21, menceritakan detik kejadian yang meragut nyawa rakannya di air terjun Gunung Nuang, di sini, semalam.

Dalam kejadian kira-kira jam 11.30 pagi itu, Muhammad Fadli Che Hassan, 28, mati selepas lemas ketika cuba menyelamatkan dua rakannya.

Kejadian menyayat hati itu disaksikan beberapa rakannya yang lain, namun tidak dapat berbuat apa-apa berikutan arus deras dan mereka hanya mampu melihat mangsa terkapai-kapai sebelum tenggelam.

Mangsa adalah seorang daripada 18 pendaki yang menyertai ekspedisi mendaki Gunung Nuang yang mempunyai ketinggian 1,493 meter.

Kumpulan itu dikatakan memulakan pendakian pada pagi kelmarin dan tiba ke puncak gunung selepas empat jam pendakian dan bermalam di situ.

Bagaimanapun ketika dalam perjalanan pulang, dua rakan mangsa dikatakan tergelincir selepas terpijak batu licin sebelum terkapai-kapai meminta tolong.

Mohd Nor Ariff berkata, mereka tidak dapat berbuat apa-apa kerana semua mereka tidak pandai berenang dan hanya mampu menjerit meminta tolong.

“Selepas beberapa minit menjerit meminta tolong, kemudian beberapa lelaki dari kumpulan pendaki lain tiba sebelum dua daripada mereka terjun cuba menyelamatkan Pali.

“Bagaimanapun hampir sejam menyelam, salah seorang daripada mereka menjumpai mayat Pali yang tenggelam di dasar,” katanya ketika ditemui di tempat kejadian di sini, semalam.

Difahamkan perjalanan dari kaki Gunung Nuang ke kawasan air terjun terbabit mengambil masa lebih dua jam untuk sampai ke kawasan itu.

Mangsa yang juga seorang jurugambar bebas dan tinggal di Bukit Antarabangsa, di sini adalah seorang yang aktif dan meminati aktiviti lasak.

Sejurus mangsa dinaikkan dia kemudian diberi bantuan pernafasan bagaimanapun dia gagal diselamatkan.

Mayat mangsa kemudian dihantar ke Hospital Serdang untuk dibedah siasat.

Operasi menyelamat membabitkan bomba, JPA3 dan polis dikejarkan ke tempat kejadian sejurus menerima panggilan telefon daripada beberapa pendaki lain.

Sementara itu, Ketua Operasi Jabatan Pertahanan Awam JPA3, Shahrul Kamal Mohd Johari, berkata mereka menerima maklumat berhubung kejadian itu kira-kira jam 12 tengah hari dan seramai 28 anggota dikejarkan ke tempat kejadian.

Menurutnya, mereka tiba di lokasi kejadian setengah jam kemudian.

“Operasi ini sepatutnya hanya mengambil masa satu jam, tetapi disebabkan permukaan jalan yang licin menyebabkan kami sukar untuk sampai ke tempat kejadian.

“Malah ketika menuruni gunung terbabit, kenderaan kami yang membawa mayat terbalik dan terpaksa menggunakan bantuan kenderaan bomba,” katanya.

Shahrul Kamal berkata, mayat tiba ke kaki gunung pada jam 5.45 petang sebelum dibawa dengan kenderaan polis ke hospital.

“Keadaan hujan lebat dan jalan becak menyukarkan perjalanan kami untuk sampai ke kaki gunung,” katanya.

P/S: For non-Malay speaking readers,
Pali had drowned whilst trying to save two girls from drowning at Nuang Mountain. The girls made it safely unto the riverbank, but Pali never resurfaced. After an hour, the diving team found him on the riverbed, but it was too late.

Pali was a good friend. Although we don't always see each other (hectic working life is to be blamed), I'll miss him as a friend and I am very, very sad T_T

On my way down from the Top of the Mountain

2007-05-19T12:52:00.001+08:00

"Experiencing the viva examination is similar to that of climbing to the top of a mountain: you spend a long time training for the journey and then undertake a sustained effort to reach the summit. Once at the top (when you have submitted your thesis) you can briefly enjoy the view before you have to carry on the journey (to the viva)." (Twigg 1997)

I've taken a breather for awhile, enjoying what life minus all the burden of postgrad baggage has to offer. Now, I have to climb down and end this mountain climbing trip of three years. I'll be prepared for that trip down! Viva examination in six days.

Most of my friends are already there. Meet you guys at the bottom. Wish me the best of luck!

How Long Does It Take Before I Crack When You're Not With Me?

2007-05-18T09:28:00.000+08:00

Ten days, baby. Exactly ten days.

I'm glad your trip to Libya was a safe one and I'm more than happy to have you back!

The Inverse Law of Driving in Malaysia

2007-05-16T08:41:00.000+08:00

You probably can tell from the title today that I am not happy with the majority of drivers in this country. Well, today it had rained all morning, so it was worse.

Anyways, here are some tips if you are a first time driver in this country (it's for your own good, otherwise you'll end up getting smacked anyway, no matter how good a driver you are):

The Law : When the traffic light turns yellow, slow down and stop
The Inverse Law: Look in your rearview mirror first.
If it looks like the car behind is gunning for it, just accelerate as fast as you can. You don't want to risk being kissed on your cute skema driver's a$$ by the a$$hole behind you. So not worth it. Plus, everyone here knows that even when the light is red, you still at least squeeze in three more cars through. Seriously, I'm not kidding.

The Law: At a Zebra Crossing, stop to let pedestrians cross (if there are any)
The Inverse Law: Again, look in your rearview mirror first.
If the car behind you appears to be gunning for it to, then don't be a good samaritan and stop. Proceed driving. Also, be very aware of the motorcycles on your sides. YOU might stop, but motocyclists usually won't. You don't want to give those poor pedestrians a false sense of security and then let them get hit by a 50 km/h motorbike, do you? By NOT stopping, you could save a life! Now who's the good samaritan for not stopping?

The Law: Pedestrians can cross the road any time on their own will at a Zebra's Crossing
The Inverse Law: Leave a will before you cross.
Never ever trust a Zebra's Crossing. Look both ways before you cross. Pretend that the crossing is never there, or if you really can't pretend to not see, just tell yourself that it is there to beutify the road with some simple patterns and serves no purpose whatsoever. Understood? Good.

The Law: When a car signals to the right, he's turning right at the next junction
The Inverse Law: When a car signals to the right (or left), he could turn anywhere he likes, if he decides to turn at all
Don't really trust those lights. Lord knows where the driver is going turn. It could be ANYWHERE. Just slow down, keep a little distance and make a mental bet in your head where the car is turning, if it turns at all! (P/s: You'll have higher chances of winning those mental bets in your head if you put your card on the opposite direction of the signal).

The Law: Always keep a good distance between you and the car in front
The Inverse Law: Keep a minimal distance between you and the car in front.
Why? Because the j@ck@$$ driving a sedan car in the next lane is just too happy to squeeze in the Kancil size gap between your car and the car in front, forcing you to hit the emergency break and curse bloody murder. Not a nice scene.

That's all for today. Drive safely and smartly. Take care.

P/S: In case you really do take my words 100% just now, I'd like to stress that the entry above is so full of sarcasm. I'm telling you the truth about the hideous driving habits of Malaysians, but please, whenever you can, follow the driving rules, coz if you do end up in an accident - God forbids- you'll at least win your case in court (yeah, which will be settled in what, two years time (SNORT)). Jjust use my advice as additional info so that you can be on the lookout and at least you've been warned.

Have a safe trip.

Happy Mother's Day

2007-05-14T10:08:00.000+08:00

To my mother, Ummi...

You have always been where we return,
The home that is our harbor from the sea,
The place where what we are can easy be,
With nothing we need alter or unlearn.

That you would give has always been a given.
Your love for us is something simply there,
As plain and necessary as the air,
And just as unpretentious and unbidden.

And though I cannot give you now your due,
Which is beyond what these poor words can say,
I give you all I can this special day,
Which is the treasure of my love for you.

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY UMMI. I LOVE YOU!

*****************************************************************

*****************************************************************

Mother's Days are supposed to be all about love, happiness and appreciation for mothers all around the world. However, for some group of people, mother's day are the hardest of all days in a whole year. When other mommies get hugs and kisses from their childern, who would be here to wish them happiness? Who would dry their tears? Who would here their cries? Would anyone even acknowledge that they're also a mom, or at least once was?

To all moms-to-be, moms had-been, and mothers of children who never were children, Happy Mother's day to all of you.

To the mothers of children who never were children,
Who died in the womb unnamed and unknown:
You also were mothers, albeit but briefly,
And loved with the love given mothers alone.

Yours was the stirring of life within life,
The being of being all one being knew,
The love of a love that knew only your love,
The world to a world that knew no world but you.

Yours the unspeakable pleasure of giving
Your substance to nurture the creature within;
Yours the inscrutable song of creation,
Bringing to being the dust of the wind.

Death is the end, but never the meaning;
Life is a gift, no matter how long.
You, too, are mothers, the bearers of beauty,
The icons of love to whom this day belongs.

You Girls Rock!

2007-05-10T11:04:00.000+08:00

Even a melancholic miscarrying mom can still have her FUN moments, right?

Well yesterday evening was definitely fun. Our faculty's women volleyball team got through to the semi-finals and we went there to cheer them on. Jiah, Yzma and myself prepared a banner from scrap papers we found in the office and screamed our hearts out at the game...

And our team won, and they were to beat the Education Faculty at the finals, an hour or so afterwards. Of course we cheered again at the finals. This time, we brought kompang and all, just to spice things up. And guess what? Our team won the title!!!!! Yeay!!!

The players were really magnificent and they so deserved it. They've practiced all year round, and during the last few months, they even held practice on Saturdays and Sundays. They showed great skills, great co-ordination and ciommunication between players and displayed the best sportsmanship (I particularly love their team motto - SMILE! - helped players to relax and de-stress a bit when they did a mistake).

The crowds were wild as well, and I'd like to think that I have somehow helped a bit in keeping the player's morale up. I love hot games, and this one was totally awesome, as our team was definitely on fire and charred the opponents single-handedly. I think I went over the top with yelling/shouting/screaming ok.. ok.... hollering, but it was so worth it. At least I wasn't shouting some obscene stuff this time, as someone else did, but it was just hilarious :P

To the team, you guys ROCK so hard! Congratulations!

The poster
by yours truly (with Jiah's and Yzma's help)
It reads, "Go! FSKTM GO!"

The Unbeatable Team
with fellow Manager and Coach
From left: K Zura, Dian, Ita, K Jee, K Nor, K Masitah, K Baayah, K Dlyn, Mas
Front: Dr. Rusli (Manager), Kamal (Coach)

The Hard-Core Supporters With the Equally Die Hard Players
Err... basically here's everyone

The Champions!
If you're happy and you know it... um.. stick your hands up in the air?

And not forgetting...

The Guys' Team (Runner Up)
From left: Nabil@EON, Kamal,En Razali, Dr Rusli, Dr. Azim (Dean), Zaidi, Ahri, Ab. Aziz, En Arif

Let's do this again next year, shall we?

A (Tad) Bit Melodramatic

2007-05-07T18:17:00.000+08:00

Warning: This is another post-miscarriage rant

Okay, this morning I got into the car on the way to work and the topic was, 'Experiences As A Young Mother', where callers complained how hard their life was after giving up everything after getting married and taking care of a baby in their early twenties. Having miscarried awhile back, the topic was hurting my poor ears, and since I didn't want to ruin my Monday, I flicked to another station. It's a free country, right?

And, just as luck would've had it, the other station's DJs were chitchatting on - guess what? - baby screams, or rather, sounds that baby makes the first thing they say hullo to the world. A rather silly topic, in general, and it annoyed the hell out of me.

Anyways, I got to work not long after and I had a chaotic day ahead that I immediately forgot all about it. Then during one of the presentation sessions, one student presented something on 'Breastfeeding' and showed clips of an infant suckling his mommy's boobs. Oh, don't get me wrong, I'm ALL in for breastfeeding and all that sh*t, BUT WHAT IS UP WITH BABY TOPICS TODAY?

Goodness.

You may think I'm being melodramatic here, but I think as my EDD (estimated date of delivery) gets closer, I find it much harder to face the issue.

I hope after July I will turn normal again.

Bitter Sweet Meet

2007-05-04T19:39:00.000+08:00

I was invigilating this morning. It was a tough one. Not the examquestions, but the session itself. I had to invigilate with this very pregnant lady. I felt stung the very moment I spotted her bumpety belly coz I knew I would've been roughly the same gestational stage by now had I not....

I tried ignoring her at first, pretending that if I avoid her sight I wouldn't feel the pain. But, of course, invigilating exams were just too boring a task and since I was borne friendly and chirpy, we started chatting (almost too loudly!). Being me, I asked how far along she was expecting, and I was spot on on guessing it mentally (September).

Turns out this wasn't her first pregnancy. Prior to this one, she'd been pregnant once, but lost her baby at 11 weeks last year. So we started chatting even louder and got a little chummier, and before you know it, we kinda bonded. It was as though all my anxiety and sadness was lifted, at least temporarily, when we talked about shattered hopes and dreams and medical complications following a miscarriage. I could've hugged her before we parted in the end! It takes someone who's gone thorugh a similar test in life to truly understand the burden of another.

Well, it is a sad case to bond over our unfortunates, but for me, it's better than sitting there quietly and torturing myself with self-pity for the whole two hours straight. Plus, I have always been open about questions of life in general, so I don't see the point of being embarrassed talking to a 'stranger' about my angel. If anything, I took today's meet as a blessing in disguise. I guess this is HIKMAH for today.

But that's just me :)

Go ahead and Mention my child,
The one that died, you know.
Don't worry about hurting me further.
The depth of my pain doesn't show.

Don't worry about making me cry.
I'm already crying inside.
Help me heal by releasing
The tears that I try and hide.

I'm hurt when you just keep silent,
Pretending he didn't exist.
I'd rather you mention my child,
Knowing that he has been missed.

You asked me how I was doing.
I say "pretty good" or "fine"
But healing is something ongoing.
I feel it will take a lifetime.

Result Schmesult

2007-05-04T19:29:00.000+08:00

Got my IELTS exam results back. Isn't it funny when you thought you've messed up one module and it turned out that was your highest? It was the Listening module, in case you're wondering. I swear, I found it the hardest of all and yet...

A grace to God is due here.

Alhamdulillah...

Uneventful Two Days Off

2007-05-03T17:50:00.001+08:00

It was nice having two days off in the middle of the week - thanks to Labour's Day and Wesak Day, woo hoo! How did I spend the days?

Well on Monday night my husband and I went bowling. We made plans with Encik Am and Kak Fatma and met up with them around 9-ish. We were actually there to get the Spiderman tickets for the next day, but my husband had wanted to polish his bowling skills so we all went for it. My scores were so bad, I'm not going to mention it, well ... perhaps I'll just mention the first game where I scored a measly 104, and the rest I scored worst! haha!

On Tuesday night we got to watch Spiderman 3. I never was a fan of comic-book-turned-movie films, and I have a somewhat different taste in films than my husband, so I would say it was so-so. Not bad. But mind you, I've slept through Star Wars in 1999, slept through Pirates of the Carribean 2 last year, and definitely dozed off to Slumberland within the first ten minutes when watching LOTR. I am so NOT mainstreamed. Heh.

Wednesday my husband needed to get some stuff done at his office so I went over to Mom's house and my brother took me for a ride to One Utama. I didn't get anything much there. I wasn't in a spending mood somehow, and it was too late for lunch and too early for dinner when we got there so we didn't get food either. So we strolled for a bit and went home. Just as well, coz I'm on a diet right now. Hahah! Laugh all you want but if I'm gonna have to attend my cousin's wedding in Kelantan later this month, I've gotta do something about my weight. (This is an issue I am struggling with at the moment and ever since I got pregnant (only to miscarry later), it has been tremendously difficult to get rid of the stupid weight).

Well. a gitl has got to start somewhere right? So for a few days now, I've been cycling in the evenings, I've jogged with my jogging buddies in the morning and cut off my calorie intake (where I can). I do NOT want to hear another , "Eii... bulatnya" (Oh, you're so round) anymore from my clueless cousins.

OK, I'm finished ranting. Nothing else was eventful, but I did manage to get pee in my eye last night. Gross, I know. Don't ask me how. Eww...

What Major Is Right For Me

2007-04-30T11:52:00.000+08:00

Because I got tagged by EON....

Psychology/Sociology

100%

Education/Counseling

81%

Biology/Chemistry/Geology

69%

Nursing/AthleticTraining/Health

69%

Visual&PerformingArts

63%

French/Spanish/OtherLanguage

63%

HR/BusinessManagement

56%

Accounting/Finance/Marketing

50%

English/Journalism/Comm

50%

Mathematics/Statistics

44%

History/Anthropology/LiberalArts

38%

Physics/Engineering/Computer

38%

Religion/Theology

25%

PoliticalScience/Philosophy

13%

WHAT MAJOR IS RIGHT FOR YOU?
created with QuizFarm.com

Wow. I scored 100% on Psychology? Really?
P/S Yzma, I told u Social Science is the way for me

Second in line, education, yeah, so okay, I'm on the right track..

BUT....

Perhaps I shouldn't be teaching Computer? (38%)

(But I beg to differ, coz it says there computer, not programming as such. And I really don't fancy taking things apart in a computer at all, but I can still cope with programming. Or maybe I'm never passionate about computing, but it's just that I can push myself if I have to. Oh screw it!!!)

So Long, Farewell Eina

2007-04-27T15:16:00.000+08:00

My friend Eina left for England on the 24th. A few days before her departure, we had a little girls' day out to celebrate this and also the joyous occasion of Jiah's birthday at Cozy Corner. I had this cheesy fish fillet thing, which was nice. Everyone else had something more oriental, like Tomyam, or noodles, or Chicken rice.

Anyways, I wish Eina n her hubs all the best in their PhD and also in adapting to their new-ish lifestyle, in general. In a few years, little Khairah (their baby) is probably going to grow up so quickly we'd hardly recognized her anymore! Much love from us in M'sia....

2007-04-26T13:22:00.000+08:00

To my dearest friends who lost their second angel:

A butterfly lights beside us
And for a brief moment
It's glory and beauty belong to our world,
But then it flies on again
And although we wish it could have stayed,
We are so thankful to have seen it at all...

All In God's Hands

2007-04-25T18:08:00.001+08:00

I dedicate this entry to my friend who had just had a miscarriage two weeks ago. For the SECOND time in a year. She was three months.

I'm mourning for her loss and I am totally speechless. I know this must've been really, really hard on anyone.

I relay this soft message to her and to the world, a passage that came from another woman who had gone through a miscarriage and a stillbirth...

"You (baby) were too perfect for this world. You only came to teach because it was no longer necessary for you to learn."

This really gave me peace inside. I hope it does for her.

Where was I last week?

2007-04-25T09:58:00.001+08:00

Wow.. I haven't written for a week now. Let's see... what has happened since then...

1. My husband got back from JB. Picked him up at the ERL. (1)

2. Had a 'makan-makan' session at Cozy Corner with the girls at work - me, yzma, mas, et, eina and jiah. Celebrated Jiah's 26th and Eina's early departure to England. Exchanged gifts and took a couple of pics. Will post them later if I get hold of them from yzma.

3.Sat for my IELST exam at the British Council on Saturday. What an experience that was. Listening module was hard, I scrambled all over the place, writing and reading modules were just as I had expected (the level of difficulty), and speaking was considerably easy, due to the lenient topic I was given: film you last watched and shopping. I know, easy peesy, but don't get jealous just yet, the results aren't out for another week. But I am very grateful that I didn't get some out of this world questions like birdwatching or stargazing or anything like that - no offense yzma!

But the day out with yzma was great, albeit the rain. It would have been a very leisurely day out in the heart ok KL, if it wasn't for the exam. One note tho': Do not be fooled by a coffee house called 'Kedai Kopi Cik K*ah'. The deco suggested Starbucks-classed coffee and food, but we all got tricked.

4. Had to invigilate exam as early as 9 a.m. on Sunday. That was uneventful. Later, around 12 noon, me, ET, yzma and her hubs went to play pingpong together. That was great too. Learnt a lot from Sifoo Faizal.

Later that evening, we got a visit from my hub's old mate. Picked him up at ERL (2). Took him out for dinner then watched football and AF at my house. Around 2 a.m., took him back to the airport so that he could ctach his 4 a.m. flight to Sudan. (3)

5. Had an unwelcomed visitor on Monday. Moody all day.

6. Tuesday - Took a day's leave just so that I could vegged out in front of the telly doing nothing.

In the evening, went to see Eina off at KLIA (4). Went with my hub, in yzma's dad's car, with her n her hub n lil bro, in our usual too-cool-to-be-early fashion. Yzma's hub drove like an F1 driver and got us there (in one piece) and plenty of time to meet n greet Eina for the last time before she flew to England. It got a bit emotional in the end, but all went well. Pics will be up soon, need to get them from yzma (if she lets me).

7. Despite so much that happened in the past few days, some things still remained unchanged. Like, I'm still here, and had just been from the seemingly never ending meeting whilst some friends have ventured into other more challenging and exciting things in life - like PhD, motherhood, blah blah...

That's all for now.

P/S: Guess how many times I went to KLIA?

Saya yang tidak la best pon

2007-04-18T10:07:00.000+08:00

I'm blogging in Malay today bcoz I'm stressed out.

Saya agak stress hari ini dgn muatan kerja yang boleh dikatakan berlebihan. Sebenarnya, byk kerja bole tahan lg, tp bila digesa nak dgn cepat, ini sudah lebey. Lg satu, saya ada IELTS exam hujung minggu ni, tp saya lom sempat nak study betul2 lg. Konon kalo tidak diberikan kelas mengajar saya ada byk masa tetapi tidak betul begitu. Saya sakit hati skang ni.

Lagi satu, saya tidak suka apabila saya yang tiada kepakaran atau kelulusan ini kena buat kerja (dalam masa yg singkat pulak tu), ttp tidak mendapat kredit di atas kesungguhan itu. Itu lah yg telah diluahkan oleh semua cacai seperti saya ttp buat masa ni mmg mcm tu la gayanya.

Saya tgh wat sesuatu sekarang yg kelihatan sprt tidak kunjung habis, ttp at least ianya berunsurkan akademik dan saya yakin memberi manfaat kpd saya di kemudian hari. Malahan, saya suka buat benda tu, cuma bila ada lg perkara2 lain yg saya rasa membazir spt kerja2 admin yg x berkaitan, saya mula lah naik darah sorg2. Sungguh tidak sihat utk diri ini.

Org mcm saya nmpak je mcm x de kerja - tp jgn terpedaya. Itu on paper sahaja sbb kami x dak kelulusan mcm org lain (not yet there but we surely will get there). Yg sebenarnya banyak. Hai,... buat proposal x sudah2, sbb asyik terbantut. Almaklumlah, proposal tu selalu terover shadown dgn benda2 lain kat opis ni. Sudahnye, cukup bulan 5 nnt, gaji saya kena potong kalo masih x dak tempat blaja. Masa tu, x sapa pon amik peduli. Hatta KKS pon x bole nak tolong..... Jadi cukup la, bg la org yg sudah gajinya konfem secure utk buat ini semua....

Saya ni viva pon belum, tp bila ada taik2 mcm ni mcm mana nak blaja? Saya sudah ada 2 report masuk so anyday sudah bole kena panggil. Kasihankan la saya. Jgn la libatkan saya yg x berkelayakan ni dlm acara2 yg tiada memberi faedah sekelumit habuk pon pada saya, mahupun bangsa dan negara.

Okayla. Itu saja. Saya kena sambung wat keja.

What Your True Color

2007-04-17T08:56:00.001+08:00

Taking up EON's invitation to try the test, here goes:

Your true color is Orange!

You're a bold, confident orange. A warm, powerful color that indicates a strong, welcoming personality, orange is the mark of people who are social and extroverted by nature. Vibrant, with an upbeat attitude, you have a bright, inviting demeanor. Energetic and fun-loving, you're a real friend-magnet. Your easy charm and unassuming manner make you the sort of person people want to meet and get to know better. Well-rounded and fun to be around, you enjoy helping others, so it's no surprise that orange also symbolizes attraction. Orange is an extraordinary color — for an extraordinary person.

What's Your True Color?

Brought to you by Tickle

Malam Pesona Bintang Dinner

2007-04-16T13:38:00.001+08:00

Thanks to my students who invited me to the dinner on Saturday night. It was all in all a very good event, just a bit embarrassing to be seated right there with the VIPs (though I may have taught you in the past, I'm still this insignificant person in the scheme of things at this institution we're in). Anyways, thanks again for the invitation. Good thing EON was there too, with his lovely wife, so things weren't so awkward at the table.

And one thing I've got to confess, I feel real good seeing these students sort of graduate. I've known them since their diploma years, but they have been a really loud and carefree bunch, that I really felt more like a friend that an, er.. instructor to them. I finally understand the proud feeling which my husband has always spoke to me about when we attended dinners or event at 14th College. As an ex-fellow, he felt proud seeing one by one of these kids graduating, knowing that in some ways he had imparted something useful to the overall life of the students. I guess I feel the same way too. I wish them all the best. There are plenty more things awaiting them out there, and I hope what little thing they've experienced here will prepare them for the future.

At events like these, I would usually well up in tears, most likely because I miss my undergrad years. Best three years of my life, I'd say. Once upon a time I was up there, giving out my final year student speech up at the podium. And how I miss the times we spent together as MTMs, that was the best time ever.

I managed to find some of these old photos of us (scanned by Sake). This was circa 2000-2003.

MTM of 2001 (some of us)

PDC Camp 2000

Hari Keluarga, Pangkor (2002)

Don't we all look young, nyehehe? Those were the days....

Friday Night Bowling

2007-04-16T13:33:00.000+08:00

A short entry, this one is.

Went bowling with people at my husband's office last Friday night. It was quite good, and Iw as checking out the competition as well from the GSO team hehehe.

Anyways, here's my score after 3 games:

Game 1: 122
Game 2: 120
Game 3: 111

Not bad eh?

Didn't get to snap any pics coz the battery ran out. You gotta just trust me on this one hehehe..

MAPG 2007

2007-04-13T15:21:00.000+08:00

For the lack of anything to post, I'll put up some pics of overdue photos of Majlis Anugerah dan Pra-Graduan Kolej 14 2007. It was a nice event, mostly bcoz the people at our table were really fun - okay we made a lot of noise, but only because we haven't met each other for the longest time. So thank you Sake, Faisal, Zura, Ng and Peng. Also thanks to Cik Man for the tickets, and to En Am and Fatma for the great company.

I put up these photos coz I suddenly remember that I have a dinner invitation from another residential college this Saturday night. Hope it's not too boring! (Formal dinners are always a bore, unless you have the right ppl at ur table nyeheheh)

Make It ThroughThe Rain

2007-04-11T10:02:00.000+08:00

Feeling a tad bit better today :)

Nearly threw me up the curb!

2007-04-10T16:59:00.000+08:00

This is another post-miscarriage entry. Remember, you have been warned.

Some days I feel stronger. Some days I just die a little more inside. Today, I felt like I got slapped in the face. As I was exiting the toilet, I bumped into a familiar face, a work colleague, actually, whom I have not seen for awhile now. Man, was she huge - tanslation: preggo. I was alright with the whole she's pregnant deal, but I, as always, was being too darn friendly and nosey, had involuntarily asked, "Bila akak due?" (When are you due?).

"Ogos." (August).

Ouch.

The answer felt a huge fist into stomach and almost threw me up the curb. Serves me for being overly friendly.

I know we're supposed to believe in the Qada' and Qadar and things happen for a reason and God knows best, but I can't help thinking that I was supposed to be huge now. My baby was supposed to be due late July. I was supposed to sport those chic maternity gowns right about now. I was supposed to be out of breath and pee every ten minutes every single day now... I was supposed to this.... I was supposed to that...

Bah. This is hard.

For the record, my baby would've been ....

In another world, that is.

KKS Dinner Night

2007-04-09T16:15:00.000+08:00

Last Friday, our Social n Recreational Club at the office held a dinner at Kelab Tasik Putrajaya. The place was really nice. My husband went there together and we were fashionably late, but still made it there bafore it began. Luckily, some of the gangs were already there early and we managed to squeeze in and sat with them.

The 'gang' at our table - alas, no one is looking this way!

The night started with doa recited as En Arif, followed by a welcoming speech by the ex-president of the club, and then our Deputy Dean introduced the new committee members. Congrats everyone! Then we began dinner. Yum!

The food was good, but it was just about enough for the ten of us (me n saiful, eti n mary, mas n azrin, yzma n faizal, jia n kamil). But when I asked neighbouring tables, everyone seemed happy about the food. Perhaps it was bcoz we had ten grown ups at the table so the food wasn't going around enough in comparison to those with children (who of course, ate significantly less)?

Anywas, after dinner, five hampers were given to to the lucky drawers. As expected, I never won anything that had anything remotely dependent on luck (okay, I'm exaggerating, but it's hardly likely so).

Then began the quiz for the kiddies. The riddles were hard, I think, but kids are smarter these days thanks to Dutch Baby and others, many of them got the answer before I had a clue. Since the game was for kiddies only, none of us at table could have a shot at it, so we were abit frustrated.

Then came the last riddlel, where we ahd to give the answer in pantun. I got the answer and shouted me! me! at the MC. So here's what I gave,

Saya sayang Yusuf,
Jawapan dia huruf.

Okay, I didn't bother with pantun empat kerat, I just gave a simple one hehehe. Now everyone is jokingly calling my husband Yusuf. So in the end, our table got two hampers to take home. Jia won the other hamper, when she answered to the question which two latest staff got married recently? (correct answer: Lan n Norpiah).

Wohoho... hampers

The MCs were really entertaining, I have to give them credit, bcoz I just know that it's so difficult to handle such crowds (kiddies, oldies, ppl in between, etc....). So Syabas to them!

In the end, I think it was a great night out. Here's some more pics to show what a great dinner it was. Hopefully there are more fun events to come this year... yeay!

For the life of me I can't remember what we were discussing - looks like a very animated conversation, though :)

Friends are forever

Bowling - Piala Dr. Azmi

2007-04-02T12:57:00.000+08:00

What a great laugh!. I had fun last Sunday. Came 2nd though, for the women's category, with a score of 334. Okay la tu....

Here's a recap of the results after 3 games:

Best Overall Player:
Dr Azmi (420)

Men's Champion:
Dr Azmi (420)

Women's Champion:
Nurazlin (352)

The Contenders

Sazly, ISO, Dian and Me

Let it be a Strike!

Come join us next game. It'll be a blast!

MTE Updated

2007-04-02T12:37:00.000+08:00

mte

Bronze. Alhamdulillah

MTE 2007 first day

2007-03-29T19:04:00.000+08:00

Blogspot has been funny these few days, I dare not find out why.

Anyways, today me, EON, Koh, Iezma, Dr Rus and Dr S were there at PWTC for the Malaysian Technological Expo (2007). I'd thought it was fun, but all throughout the morning I was having cramps and backache all I could really think was, 'I need to lie down NOW'. Luckily, when the judges came around 12-ish, the pain went away but not for long.

The judges were okay, but I won't really comment much on that. These things are pretty subjective, so I don't really know whether they had found my almost three-years worth of research is of any importance at all.

At lunch, we met up with Eina and Jiah at the Mall. After that, we did a little round of shopping, and by then the pain were gone completely. Alhamdulillah. So it is true what they say about 'retail therapy'. hehehe... I bought me two beaded nacklaces, a green and blue shaded eyeshadows (i love 'em), one huge soft pretzel (which I later split with EON - tak nak ngaku makan sorang)and one other womenly item from the pharmacy.

Pics will be posted later, if I can ever get a hold of them from Dr S' RAs. Tommorow's another day of waiting by the booth. Not too bad actually, fun even, walking around talkin to other researchers. I just hate the commuting part. Sucks BIG time. Makes me feel so lucky to be working where I am now, as opposed to working in the big KL. Heh.

An Angel Never Dies

2007-03-27T13:39:00.000+08:00

Don't let them say I wasn't born,
That something stopped my heart
I felt each tender squeeze you gave,
I've loved you from start.

Although my body you can't hold,
It doesn't mean I'm gone,
This world was worthy not of me,
God chose that I move on.

I know the pain that drowns your soul,
What you are forced to face.
You have my word, I'll fill your arms,
Someday we will embrace.

You'll hear that it was "meant to be God doesn't make mistakes,"
But that won't soften your worst blow, Or make your heart not ache.
I'm watching over all you do, Another child you'll bear,
Believe me when I say to you, That I am always there.

There will come a time, I promise you
When you will hold my hand,
Stroke my face and kiss my lips,
And you'll understand.

Although I've never breathed your air,
Or gazed into your eyes
That doesn't mean I never "was"
An angel never dies.

My Celebrity Look-alikes yeah!

2007-03-09T12:23:00.000+08:00

This is what the system returns. Surprisingly, I look like Zhang Zi Yi (poyo!!). .. hehehe

Go ahead. Try the system. I know you want too. Then let me know your celebrity look-alikes, okay?

Semarak ISO

2007-03-09T11:59:00.000+08:00

refreshing ISO memories.. Sempena minggu ISO..hehehe..

Yang Terindah Hanyalah Sementara

2007-03-08T09:09:00.000+08:00

Which is better, to put up a brave face and pretend to be non-chalant, and let others mock and make jokes out of your (unfortunate) situation, or to curl and collapse in front of others so that they won't really ridicule you and say spiteful things?

Well, a couple of weekends back, when my cousins and aunts came to visit, I opted for number one. Big mistake. Well I won't go to lengths to explain what the hurtful jokes were, but it included issues such as weight and miscarriages. I can insert some curse here, but I think won't.

Okay, this is another miscarriage related post. Sorry if you guys are totally puking over this topic, but apparently, I'm still hung up about it. Well, most of the time, when left to process my emotions alone, I take it up pretty well. It's when you add a third element, i.e. another human being whose toungue is quicker than his/her brains, then usually it all comes back. I know I've got the be tougher, and I am trying, seriously, I am, but it is just THAT much more difficult when surrounded by insensitive people (idiots). I guess that when you act like you've recovered on the outside, people tend to forget that really, you're still healing in the inside, and unnecessary insults just makes the old wound bleeding again. In that case, it's better to act weak all the time, no?

Well, bleeding or not in the inside, they say, what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger :(

Setinggi seluas gunung dan lautan
Sejuta harapan dipertaruhkan
Beronak berliku jalan kulalui
Selagi berupaya kuteruskan

Alangkah sukarnya memadam bayangan masa silam
Di dalam keberanian terusik jua perasaan
Tidak hentinya memanjang dan semoga jiwa ini terus tabah

Sesungguhnya saat yang terindah hanyalah sementara
Yang terpahat di dalam diri hanya kenangan dan nestapa

Tak rela kuturutkan hati
Menyesali apa yang terjadi
Andainya begitu suratan yang tertulis di azali

Biarlah walaupun kusepi
Sedih pedih dikhianati
Aku kan tetap terus mengorak langkah perjalan ini

Life and Dreams

2007-03-02T18:52:00.001+08:00

I'm having a bad day today. I feel sorry for people who are around me because I'm not my usual self today. I'm grumpy.

Sure I can blame the hormones for making me go coo coo, but really, it's my emotions that are all over the place today. Something happened today that sort of brought back all the memories of the pregnancy, and I really can't focus. My God, who knew how much a miscarriage can mess with your head. Normal and regular things suddenly become foreign and a great source of unhappiness.

I never got to see you,
My precious bundle of joy.
I never got to know you,
Were you a girl or a boy?

I never got to hold you,
And rock you to and fro.
I never got to kiss you,
Or count your little toes.

I never got to see your face,
Eyes open with a smile.
I never got to have you,
Even for a little while.

I never got to keep you,
I had to let you go.
I never got a chance to say,
I really love you so.

My life is in shambles. The pressure of obtaining a PhD is too overwhelming, I think I can explode just thinking about it. And I haven't even gone through my Viva yet. The hell I have to go through untuk mencari rezeki yang halal.

I feel bleak today. And hopeless. And generally, blargh. I have no motivation to live the day, let alone wake up and go to work. I'm scared to dream about having the things I want in life, for fear that like so many of my other dreams, that's going to be taken away from me, too... How do you get rid of a fear so powerful, brought on by your past experiences, so that you can move on and dream again? To again be naive and full of fantasies and be on top of the world, like you were once before? How do you open up and feel strong emotions again, without fearing one day things might go for the worse and all of your dreams turn to nightmares?

How do you learn to not be afraid to take chances?

Yakinkan Aku Tuhan

2007-03-01T15:36:00.000+08:00

Lately I've been getting a lot of questions such as, 'how come you aren't huge yet?' from people who had heard the news that I had gotten pregnant, but did not know that I had miscarried. Thank God, right now I can emotionlessly tell them what had happened. But people can be very nosey and usually prodded deeper and went one step further and asked, 'Why?'

Like. I. Know?. I wished I had an answer to that question. Truth be told, I will forever try to solve that question, but neither I nor the doctors will ever know for sure, as always the case with miscarriages. My response is always, "Dia mati (He died)", much to the shock of others. They asked for an answer, I gave a direct one and they were appalled that it was a heartless answer. What do people expect me to say? I fell? It was the ikan pari? Sheesh... I don't know. Plus, taboo or no taboo, we are all going to face death one day, and as a matter of fact dapat pahala pulak tu apabila mengingati mati, so what's the big deal, right?

On the contrary, I'm still very sensitive on this topic, but yeah, life must go one and I must be brave, blah blah blah yada yada yah. That part I can accept (most of the time). But at other times, when it's tugging too hard on the ol' heart of mine again, I would sing a silent hymn in my head, actually it's this song by Nidji. I feel that the chorus is really powerful, almost like a prayer to God. But that's just me la...

Yakinkan aku Tuhan
Dia bukan milikku
Biarkan waktu waktu
Hapus aku…

Sadarkan aku Tuhan
Dia bukan milikku
Biarkan waktu waktu
Hapus aku…

Sorry about this entry. From time to time I will write again about miscarriage and the whole experience. Not to relive it, but it does sometimes come knocking back at me at the oddest hour, when I'm doing the oddest things. I hope none of you will be bored reading this topic. But if you are, I'd borrow Kak Engku's infamous phrase, 'Sila tutup telinga', well I have to adapt it it slightly, so it'll probably be 'Sila tutup mata' (coz you're reading), or perhaps, 'Sila tutup site terus'... heheeh...

A Walk Down the Friendship Lane

2007-02-27T17:53:00.000+08:00

In my last entry I was upset that my friend MrM is leaving. Well, last night Iezma and I with our respective husbands went to see her at the airport to bid farewell and good luck. I have no pics with me now bcoz I don't have a digital camera. Sad case, I know.

Anyways, today's post is dedicated to her, coz she's such a lovely friend. Me and her went a long way back, during our Uni years. And we later work at the same place and ended up doing our MSc at the same instituition. Now she's doing her PhD, and hopefully I'll be doing so too, in the near future. Though I won't be going to Sydney, as she has, I'm confident that our friendship will last the distance (chewah!). I hope she's okay that I post pics of us together. Jgn mare, MrM! :P

Some are really old photos, scanned ones, even, so the quality is bad. Anyways, I couldn't find any 'older' pics of us, when we look so much younger (and thinner - at least me laaa) coz in those days we've never heard of digital pics yet. I know, I know, I can always scan them, but later laaa... malas. These are in my collection now.

Okay here goes...

Us posing in our robe after graduation (2003)

From mas

Me and her during 'jaga exam IPTS' at Taiping (2003)

From mas

Seminar at work

From mas

More Me and her (By the way, I'm always the ridiculous one, she's always the one with her head on both shoulders, good girl, that MrM).

From mas

Me, her, Eti and Eina makan pasemboq (2005)

From mas

We're on top of the world!!! Saat2 ceria (NaCSPC 2005 - Penang)

From mas

Wherever life (or PhD shall I say), may throw us, we'll always be friends forever... aww u guys... {{group hugss}}

From mas

Don't u think it's funny that u never really take enough pics of ppl who are closest to u? Well, I know we have sooo much more history than this, but these are among few decent ones I could scrape. Some other pics, saya x pakai tudung la, gmbr sgt x jelas la... whateva.

Moralnya, ambillah gambar kwn2 anda slalu. Ok?

I'll give u a head start la. Visit my virtual pinboard,

http://www.pinboard4u.com/autumnski/pinboard.php

and stick a pic of urself kat situ. Bole letak web address sendirik lg, so almost like self promo, u know? Prove that u r my fren and post a pic of urself there ok? Just remember no nudity hehhee....

So Long & Farewell To A Dear Friend

2007-02-22T18:12:00.000+08:00

you helped me laugh
you dried my tears
because of you
i have no fears

together we live
together we grow
teaching each other
what we must know

you came in my life
and i was blessed
i luv you friend
you are the best

release my hand
and say good-bye
please my friend
don't you cry

i promise you this
it's not the end
'cause like i said
you're my friend

© Kt Neill
*****************************************

My close friend is leaving soon :(
I'm so upset...
Sooner or later each and every one of my friends will follow her footsteps too... it's only a matter of time.
But I wish her all the best with PhD and hope to see her again in 2010 :)

Farewell and Good Luck, MrM!!!

Walking in Shame

2007-02-16T12:00:00.000+08:00

Saya telah melakukan perkara yang memalukan diri sendiri hari ini. Bagaimanakah ini terjadi pada saya? Oh tidak!... Lebih memalukan perkara ini melibatkan KJ dan Peg. IT lak tu, chesss...

Saya telah membuat public apology tentang perkara ini dalam e-mel, tp saya rasa amat low dan bodoh. Hapa la nasib aku nih huhuhu.....

Feeling stupid and embarrassed to the max,
Riz - I cannot face the SMM crowd anymore -

May the next Chinese New year brings better Ong seh...

So hot la...

2007-02-15T13:35:00.000+08:00

Still feeling unwell, but otherwise doing okay. It is sssoooooo hot in Malaysia right now, isn't it? Do drink lotsa water and stay indoor when you can, okay? It's scorching hot out there, yowza! Unless it's after six in the evening then the weather is quite nice for exercizing and such, not that I exercize hehe...

More hotness - Last night I had tom yam for dinner at this place and it was ssooo sooo hot I coudn't eat it. For every mouthful I had to gulp down water (air suam) and it took me thirty minutes and two glasses full of water to finish half a bowl. By the end of it I was sweating like mad and my face was so red, you could tell, even in the badly lit in the restaurant. But then again, mind you, my hot n spicy threshold is less than average Malaysian, so it might not be too hot for others in the first place anyhow.

Getting a good night's sleep is also difficult too. We don't have air conditioners in the house, so we're relying on the good ol ceiling fan (which has collected huge dust bunnies already - mental note - to clean the fan blades someday). And the mosquitoes are just as annoying as hell too, so we can't really open the windows without getting bitten by them in return. Ouch. The itchiness isn't so much a problem, it's dengue that we are all more concerned about.

Luckily we have air-con at work, so productivity isn't affected. In fact, productivity has increased now that I can concentrate more since I can put thesis aside now. Got several things done and out of the way already. But must remember to return those three books to the library soon.

Another nice piece of good news is that the mysterious bleeding has stopped. Alhamdulillah. At exactly 44 days. Boy, I will never ever be sceptical about 'pesan orang-orang tua' anymore. How did they possibly know about the 44 days berpantang thingy? Must be through a lot of women's experiences. Wow.

I'm talking rubbish now so go away and get back to work hehehe... but don't forget to come back okay? Bye bye for now...

I have the fever

2007-02-14T09:07:00.001+08:00

It turns out I really do have the fever. Not as in hot or sexy, but in the gruelling, full-blown fever. You know, the one which started off as an innocent sore throat, which then turns into a little selsema-ish , followed by non-stop sneezing and you find your nostrils then blocked with mucus, only to wake up the next morning with a high body temperature. You then take paracetamols, and the temp is gone, so you think the worst is over, but nooo.... once the sniffings subsided, you get another bonus - the coughing fit. Adoi la... Astaghfirullahal Azim

Pray that I get better soon, ye?

The Day I (Finally) Submitted My Thesis

2007-02-09T19:27:00.000+08:00

Let me begin this post by saying my graces , "Alhamdulillahi Rabbil 'Alamin".

Finally, the moment that everyone has been waiting (and asking about) has come. I have submitted my thesis. Alhamdulillah once again. I don't want to comment too much on that. It's been an exhausting journey as it is. I'm just gonna go home and hit the sack soon.

Secondly, I'll say my second Alhamdulillah, for everything that I fear, is settled and put away. Sorry, but I'm not telling details here. But I've been very, VERY stressed about it for nearly a month now, well, ever since I came back after a long break following my D&C in January, actually. The number of times I cried over it (yes, and it's not even baby-related) is countless.

So Alhamdulillah again... I just hope that now that I am able to relax in a (relatively) stress free environment (at least until my viva), my spotting/bleeding will subside. (If you're squirmish, this is the time to hit the X button on the top right hand corner).

It's been 40 days since my last D&C and I've been spotting on and off. At one time, I'd thought that it might end already, bcoz I was 'clean' for about a week and then, out of the blue (or reddish brown, more like it), it came and say hullo again.

I'm soooo hoping that it's stress-related. I had been pretty rough on my body these last few weeks, restless nights, sleep which lasted less than 4 hours for about 5 days a week, eating poorly, no exercise, etc, etc. Now that I have more time on my hands, and should be less worrying about at least two stuff on my list, I pray that the bleeding stops. I am, afterall, vulnerable to stress. I did a test just to prove myself:

http://www.assessmentgenerator.com

Thank you for completing Stress Level Quiz

Your Score is 60 out of 100

You are vulnerable to stress.

Powered by Assessment Generator
www.assessmentgenerator.com

Anyways, if in any case this spotting doesn't stop next week, I'm going to the doctor's. I hope it's not infection (from the miscarriage), but my throats are really hurting now I'm guessing I'm down with something. Not good also, but I hope this sore throat/ flu is a direct result of not sleeping well, and NOT an indication of infection (YIKES!)

Have a nice weekend, all! Please pray for my well-being, dear friends. I don't want to be sick longer :(